Blue Castle
by koganphrancis
Summary: A lifelong friendship is about to undergo some very big changes. What do you do if the one who was always there for you might not always be able to be? A Kogan showverse story, set in where I think the Big Time Rush boys would be right about now, since it was implied that they set up the Rule of Dibs in junior high and that was "about 6 years ago".
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: **So, chapter one of my first story! This was brief, I know, just an introduction-the chapters get longer, I promise. And, the M rating is for later chapters. I worked on this story for over a year-not diligently, obviously, but I can promise if you stick with it, it's already done, with a beginning, a middle, and an ending. I don't own these characters, but boy, if I did! Also, the title and a bit of the plot was adapted from the author of the Anne books-don't want to say much more to alert the plagiarism police, because let me assure you, that author did not write about man on man slash (there's some foreshadowing for you-if you're not into that, please give this story a miss)-and I no more "stole" from her than I did from Scott Fellows. Her Blue Castle is in a picture-when you read about mine, a lot of you will know where the inspiration for that detail came from. Anyway, to cover my own butt, anything you may recognize isn't mine. Happy reading!

"Logan, what's taking you so long? Everybody's already down at the car ready to go," Kendall said upon finding Logan just standing in the middle of the kitchen up in their apartment. Mama Knight had sent Kendall up to retrieve Logan so they could all go mini-golfing together: Katie, Kendall's mom, and the four boys. Logan was just supposed to run the day's mail up to the apartment and come right back down, but he'd been gone a good ten minutes.

Logan was a million miles away. "Huh? Oh, you all go on, I think I'd rather stay home…I'm not feeling so…"

"Do you feel faint again?" Kendall was by Logan's side in an instant, in case he was about to fall down. For the past month and a bit, Logan had been experiencing dizziness whenever Big Time Rush would do any dance practice. It was happening so frequently Griffin sent him to his own physician for tests, and that doctor in turn had referred Logan to the top cardiologist in Los Angeles for a consult.

"Kendall, if I tell you something, can it just stay between us for now?" Logan asked.

"Of course, but do you need to sit…?" Kendall stopped speaking as Logan pressed a piece of paper into his hand.

"Read this and I'll text your mom that they can go without us," Logan said.

Kendall gave him a puzzled look, but unfolded the paper and proceeded to do as Logan asked. Logan quickly typed a couple of lines and got an answer back in the time it took Kendall to take in the letterhead on the heavy stationery showing that the letter was from the cardiologist Logan had been to see.

"Ms. Hortense L. Mitchel?" Kendall said, raising his eyebrows and looking at Logan.

"Settle down, it's just a typo," Logan said, his voice uncharacteristically tense.

"Well, actually, it's TWO…" Kendall began, but stopped as soon as he saw Logan's eyes flash. He turned his attention back to the letter. His eyes scanned back and forth quickly at first, as he read the doctor's opening comments apologizing for not seeing "Hortense" in person to give the results of the tests he had run, but a family medical emergency had required him to return to his native home in India. The doctor went on to apologize profusely for a few lines, saying normally he'd never burden a patient with details from his personal life, but his eldest son had been severely injured in a train accident and the doctor had to leave his practice and his patients to go try to help his son. Kendall could tell from the anguish in the doctor's comments that he had been extremely upset when he wrote this letter.

Once Kendall got to the part that actually pertained to Logan, his eyes slowed down as he tried to comprehend what he was reading. The doctor had written some long words that looked like Latin to Kendall-whatever Logan had, it looked big and scary. Kendall just sort of skimmed over that, since those words were meaningless to him.

"I am very sorry to inform you, and again let me reiterate how much I regret that I have to break this news to you in a letter and not in person, but I am afraid your condition is quite serious indeed. As I had feared upon examining you, your tests have confirmed that you have an extremely rare heart defect that is virtually inoperable." Kendall's hand holding the letter began shaking so badly he couldn't even read anymore. Logan gently led Kendall over to the counter and guided his hand down so the letter lay upon its surface. Logan sat on one of the counter stools while Kendall smoothed out the letter and finally read on. The doctor went on to encourage Hortense to continue to live life as normally as possible, saying exercise would be quite beneficial in keeping spirits up, and that "your dancing will probably be the best way for you to take care of yourself in the coming months and won't do your heart any harm. But by all means necessary, you must avoid being shocked or suddenly upset; a jolt like that to your system could literally prove fatal."

The last paragraph of the letter listed three other doctors the cardiologist could refer Hortense to, with the doctor urging the patient to schedule an appointment at the earliest convenience. He summed up the letter by saying, "I'm so very sorry, but the best prognosis I can give you is nine months to a year. I hope you find some comfort in the fact that you will not suffer, nor will your health noticeably deteriorate in that time. You have time to get your affairs in order, and you will feel well enough to do nearly anything you wish to accomplish before your time ends. Any time you feel dizzy or faint, just sit down for a few moments and those spells will pass. Get plenty of rest, keep yourself hydrated, and try to enjoy the months you have left."

Kendall had had to go back and reread so many of the passages-there was a roaring sound in his ears and he just couldn't comprehend what he was seeing on the page in front of him. Nine months to a year? So there was a very good chance Logan wouldn't see his twenty-first birthday. Technically, he'd never be an adult.

Kendall kept his head bent over the paper, even though he wasn't reading it anymore. He was trying to pull himself together before he looked up at Logan again-he was pretty sure when he did look at Logan, he was going to want to cry, and Logan didn't need that right now.

Just as Kendall was wondering what on earth to say to Logan, Logan began speaking quietly.

"I'm going to break things off, for good this time, with Camille." It's not what Kendall expected to hear, but he lets Logan talk without interruption. "I don't want anyone to love me just to lose me, plus I'm not going to waste a minute of my life with someone I'm not in love with."

Kendall asked, "How will she handle that? You've been together together since you became a couple again…"

"No-not like you mean-we've never…" Logan is trying to get too many thoughts out at once and slows himself down and tries to find a starting point to explain things to Kendall. "I've never really been able to trust her with my heart since she kissed James. And, uh, she actually confessed to me that she and James had sex at a party before we left on our last tour. She admitted it meant nothing to her except at the time she wasn't thinking clearly and had just wanted to hurt me for not fighting for her. And to that she added that she told me about it to prove that she didn't want there to be any secrets between us. I think she REALLY told me to make me crazy jealous and it almost worked- it made me think of her almost nonstop on the tour and hence my trying to get her to tackle me when we got back. But now I realize none of it is about love-it was all jealousy and possessiveness and I'm not going to waste any time playing her games anymore."

"Okay, Logan. It sounds like you know what's best for you guys. Um, do you want me to go with you when you tell her?" Kendall just wanted to do anything to be helpful.

"No, that's okay. It'll be fine. I think she's noticed I've been growing apart from her for a while now."

Kendall was at least relieved that he was now able to look at Logan without tears springing into his eyes. But he glanced back down at the letter lying on the countertop worriedly.

"Do you want to talk about the letter?" Kendall whispered, risking bringing his eyes back up to meet Logan's.

Logan just shook his head from side to side once.

"Can I beg you to do one favor for me, Kendall?" Logan asked, his voice shaky and pleading. Kendall's heart broke to hear it like that, but he solemnly nodded for Logan to go ahead with his request. "PLEASE don't tell anyone I'm dying."

Kendall swallowed hard, then squared his shoulders.

"I think I can do that for you."


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note:** Since Chapter 1 was just an introduction, I decided to post Chapter 2 right away to get the story moving. In this chapter you'll find out where I stuck MY Blue Castle-it's not in a picture like Lucy Maud had hers. And, there really is a heart condition like I (and Lucy Maud before me) wrote about, it's called Long QT Syndrome, and back at the time LM was writing, it wasn't curable. I didn't name it as Logan's condition, because now there is treatment for it-Logan needs to be untreatable and incurable for my story…but any symptoms or complications I discuss in this chapter, I just made up. So, again, the M rating is for later chapters-there will be slash. I don't own these characters, but boy, if I did! Anyway, to cover my own butt, anything you may recognize isn't mine. Happy reading!

When everyone returned to the apartment after their round of mini golf, they weren't too surprised that Logan and Kendall seemed quiet. They just figured Logan wasn't feeling well again, and since he and Kendall reflected each others moods, it made sense that Kendall was subdued as well. They had a relatively tame dinner while Carlos and Katie related in great detail every hole they had played, with James and Mama Knight adding in comments here and there. Logan and Kendall just pushed their food around with their forks, and finally Logan asked to be excused. When Kendall got up too, Logan asked him if he wouldn't mind letting Logan have their room to himself for a while, he wanted to read. Kendall wanted to argue that he'd be quiet, but he figured anything Logan wanted, he should have from here on out. So he just nodded and settled back onto his chair.

After helping clean up the dinner mess, Kendall forced himself to sit down and watch TV with Katie and the other boys, to give Logan some time. He had no idea what they were watching, and Carlos had to ask him three times if he wanted a corndog to snack on, since Carlos was going to heat some up in the microwave for himself. Kendall turned him down, and when the ten o'clock news came on he figured he'd given Logan enough alone time.

When he walked into their room, it was almost in total darkness. Logan had a book light clipped onto the gigantic book he was reading, his head resting against his headboard and the book propped up on his pillow in front of him, his legs stretched out on the bed. All the bedroom lights were off. Logan just kept reading when Kendall walked in, so he quietly walked into the bathroom attached to their room to brush his teeth and get ready for bed.

Kendall walked back into the bedroom, and got into his bed without turning on any lights. He got himself situated under the blankets and was going to interrupt Logan's reading just long enough to say goodnight, when he noticed that Logan's face was all shiny in the low light coming from the book lamp. Logan was silently crying, tears coursing down his face as he continued to read.

Kendall said into the dark void between their two beds, "What's wrong?" and then could've bit his own tongue off. He knew damn well what was wrong, and he should be coming up with ways to comfort his best friend and not be asking him stupid questions.

But a near-lifetime of answering questions for Kendall made it so Logan didn't mind answering, not one bit. It was second nature by now.

"I'm just reading up on the condition I have," he answered quietly. "Like Dr. Chowdray said, there's very little pain involved, it's actually not such a bad way to go…"

Kendall didn't like that kind of talk.

"Doesn't it say ANYTHING that can be done?" he asked, wanting desperately for Logan to give him anything, any shred of hope.

"Nope-not even a heart transplant would work, because the veins are affected too. I wouldn't even qualify for one, but if it was attempted my veins wouldn't work anyway. There's no treatment, no cure."

"Maybe if you go to one of those doctors Dr. Chowdray recommended, they could help?"

"Kendall, Griffin got me the very best. Dr. Chowdray is probably not only the best cardiologist in the country, but in the world. I googled those doctors he listed-they all trained under him. Chowdray is the guy THEY go to when they're out of answers. I'm on my own in this, there's not going to be anyone who can help." The whole time Logan had been talking, he never took his eyes off the book in front of him, and even though his voice was level, the tears never stopped running down his cheeks.

Kendall got himself out of bed and walked over to Logan's bedside. He climbed into bed next to Logan and wrapped an arm around him. He looked Logan right in the eye.

"Now you listen to me," Kendall said, his voice full of conviction, "you are not going to go through a single night, not a single moment, alone. I will always be with you, right by your side like I always have been since the day we met. I promise you that." He gently removed Logan's glasses (part of Logan's nighttime routine-Kendall could tell Logan had not only changed into his PJs before getting into bed, he had had a shower and taken out his contacts) and placed them on the nightstand between their beds. He wiped away Logan's tears as best he could with the sleeve of his sleeping shirt, an old, comfortable long sleeve Tshirt he'd had since before they moved from Minnesota. He took the book out of Logan's hands and put the pillow behind the two of them and then clicked off the book light and placed the big heavy medical book down on the floor next to the bed. He wrapped his other arm around Logan too and pulled him close. Logan didn't even have the energy to thank Kendall, he just shut his eyes and gratefully fell into a much needed sleep.

_**Roughly a dozen years before, in a small town in Minnesota:**_

A small, shy boy is looking into a fish tank. It's a fairly large fish tank, the biggest the little boy has ever seen outside of a pet store or a Chinese restaurant. But there are only two little fish in the whole tank. He knows there's only the two of them, because he's been searching for a few minutes now, and in all that time he's only observed the two tropical fish, one that's mostly green and one that's mostly blue. They seem to be great friends, chasing each other and darting in and out of this really cool ceramic blue castle that sits in the middle of the tank's floor embedded in all the colorful gravel. The castle is about the size of a shoebox standing up on its skinny end and is painted with some sort of iridescent paint that shimmers under the light built into the top of the tank. The tank's only occupants don't seem to be swimming around aimlessly like most tropical fish he's seen before, they really seem like they're keeping together and playing with each other. The fish disappear into the castle together and the boy shifts his gaze to right above the castle, wondering if the fish will come darting out of one of the tower window holes, when he lets out a little yelp and takes a startled jump back away from the tank. Peering at him from the other side of the fish tank is another little boy, taller than him and with a mop of blond hair with bangs down to his eyebrows.

"Hey, kid, how are you? Are you in trouble too? Or are you just new?" the taller boy asks.

"Where…where did you come from?" the smaller boy shyly asks, rather than trying to answer that onslaught of queries.

"Who, me? I just went to the boys' room. I AM in trouble," he sighed. He walked around the tank to stand in front of the other boy. "I'm Kendall. Who are you?"

"Uh…"

Kendall scrunched up his face. "Don't you know your own name? That's gotta be the easiest part of any test-just writing your name up at the top."

"Well, I sort of have two names, like a first and a middle name?"

"Well, shoot, who doesn't? I'm Kendall Donald, what's your name?"

"Hortense Logan," the boy replied very quietly, as if he was saying something naughty, which Kendall was pretty sure he was. Kendall didn't know what a whore was, but the time he said it after hearing one of Carlos' uncles say it, his mom sent him to bed without dessert. Kendall wondered why parents named their kids the words they named them sometimes.

"So, what do people call you?" Kendall asked.

"At my old school they called me Hortense, but I want to be called Logan here."

Kendall didn't blame him. "Hey, you ARE new! What grade are you in?"

"Third," Logan told him.

"Me too! I wonder if you'll be in my class-do you have Ms. Henry?"

"I don't know yet-my parents are in talking with the principal now, they told me to wait out here with the fishes. Do you know why there's only two in that big ole tank?" Sometimes Logan's curiosity could overpower his shyness. He really wanted to know.

"That's because stupid Charlie was on the chore chart to feed the fish our first week back to school, and he figured if he dumped the whole box of fish food in on the first day, they'd have their food for the week and he wouldn't have to come in from the playground before the first bell every day to feed them. A janitor saw the tank was all cloudy with the food, but it was already too late for most of the poor fish that were in there. But when he was cleaning it out he found the green fish and the blue fish inside the castle, he figures they were so busy playing in there, and had enough clean water trapped inside with them, that they didn't get smothered or eat themselves to death like the other fish did."

"I wish I was small enough to swim in there, and see the inside of that castle," Logan said wistfully. Then he caught himself. When he'd say things like that at his old school, kids would make fun of him and call him stupid, even though he got the best grades in the class. He snuck a look at Kendall-sure enough, his face had lit up and he was probably going to pick on Logan something fierce now.

"That is the coolest idea! I never would have thought of that, but you're right, how fun would it be to swim around in there and find out what the inside of the castle looks like?"

Logan was surprised, but happy. He decided to let a little more of his curiosity out of the bag. "So, why are you here, and not in class?" Bad idea, a cloud came over the other boy's face and he looked downright angry.

"That's because of stupid Charlie too," Kendall said, venom dripping from every word. "I bonked him on the nose and now I'm in trouble."

"'Bonked'?" Logan asked, tilting his head to the side.

"Yeah, I bonked him, like this," and Kendall made his hand into a little fist and bonked Logan on the nose with it.

For the first time in his life, Logan didn't flinch at physical contact with another kid. Besides, what Kendall did didn't even hurt! Logan just pushed his big round glasses back up to the top of the bridge of his nose and said, "That didn't seem too bad."

"I know, right! It wasn't! You see, what happened was, well, like, you HAVE to come to school to go to pee wee hockey practice, right?" Logan nodded. He had never played an organized sport in his life, but he knew all the ins and outs of school policies, even when they didn't apply to him. Kendall continued, "Plus, if you miss a week of practices, you get booted off the team for the rest of the season-no exceptions, even for, um, excruciating circus dances…"

Logan had to think that over for a second. "Oh, I think you mean 'extenuating circumstances'?"

"Yeah, those." Excruciating was a word Kendall had heard watching hockey on TV, usually used to describe groin pulls. "So, um, anyway, if I didn't come back to school today, I'd have been gone a week, and no practices for a week would mean no more team, you know?"

"Sure."

"So, ah, mydadwaskilledinawrecklastweek and no one really expected me to be back at school yet, I guess, and so today Ms. Henry started the class by collecting money from everyone, but I hadn't known about it, or what it was for, so when I asked if I could bring in money tomorrow, Charlie told me I don't have to give money for myself and he called me stupid. So I bonked him on the nose. Ms. Henry was just real embarrassed and I don't even think she would've sent me down here, but stupid Charlie made a big stink and went to the nurse crying, and the nurse came back to our classroom and told Ms. Henry how the school has a zero tolerance policy about hitting and it was her duty to send me to the principal. And here I am."

Logan was bright, but he wasn't quite sure he really understood how Kendall had wound up in trouble.

"The money she was collecting was for you?" Logan decided to start there.

Kendall sighed and nodded. "Yeah, I guess Ms. Henry wanted to get me something from the class to show sympathy (a new word Kendall had only learned about in the past week from all the cards coming to their house) and stuff. I didn't know anything about it, I was just worried I didn't have any money to give when she said she'd be collecting it today. Um, so, yeah, my dad...died."

Kendall dissolved into tears upon saying that last word. It's the first time he's said it out loud, to anyone, and he's understandably overwhelmed. Logan immediately went over to the chairs against the wall where he had left his backpack. He zipped open the little pocket on the front and produced a mini-pack of tissues, walked back around the fish tank, and handed one to Kendall.

"If you ever need another one, just help yourself, I always keep them right in here," Logan said, making a big deal of going back to the backpack to put the tissues away with his back to the waiting room and giving Kendall a moment to collect himself. "I also have extra pencils and notebooks-anything you need, it's all yours."

Kendall feels a weight he didn't know he was carrying lifted off his shoulders. Just when he wondered how he'd ever get on in life without his dad looking out for him, this new kid shows up with a bag full of practical items and a willingness to share. Kendall walks around and sits down on one of the chairs and starts filling Logan in about all the details of the school and the pee wee hockey league. Logan sits in the chair next to him and listens to everything Kendall's saying, he's excellent at absorbing information.

After a little while, Jennifer Knight arrived at the office, out of breath and worried about Kendall-she knew he shouldn't have gone back to school already, it was too soon after the tragic upheaval in his life-the whole drive over she berated herself for giving in to his pleas. But she couldn't take hockey away from him on top of him losing his father like that...When she pushed through the waiting room's door, she stopped in her tracks at the sight of her son. For the first time since his dad died, Kendall was actually smiling. The sight of that alone moved her to tears. Kendall looked up and swallowed the hello he was about to give her, he had seen her crying plenty in the past week and he was too young to notice these were actually happy tears she was now shedding. Kendall jumped up, walked over to a backpack on the chair next to another little boy Jennifer had never seen before, and took a pack of Kleenex out of the front pocket and handed her one.

Jennifer wasn't so far gone she couldn't admonish Kendall over his manners, "Kendall, you can't just take things without asking..."

But a little voice with a Texas twang spoke up and said, "It's all right, ma'am. We've already established what's mine is Kindle's, and what's Kindle's is mine. He's going to teach me to skate! My feet are still the same size as his old skates."

The waiting room door opened again, and Charlie came in with the school nurse and his dad. Mr. Thorsen wasted no time in apologizing to Jennifer for the ruckus, and said he wished they hadn't bothered her with this. Before she could reply, the door to the principal's office opened, and Logan's parents and the principal came into the waiting area.

"Oh, Mrs. Knight, Mr. Thorsen, I hope I haven't kept you waiting long," Mrs. Sullivan, the principal, said.

They both assured her they had just arrived. Mrs. Sullivan made a brief introduction of Logan's parents, and then asked them to seat themselves in the waiting area, and she'd bring them down with Logan to meet Ms. Henry in just a few moments. Kendall lit up at the news that Logan was going to be in his classroom.

Mrs. Sullivan was gesturing to Mrs. Knight and Mr. Thorsen to step into her office when Mr. Thorsen spoke up.

"I don't think we need to get behind closed doors for this, Mrs. Sullivan. I think we can clear up the matter quite quickly. Why not let Kendall tell us what happened?"

Mrs. Sullivan nodded and all the adults, plus Logan and Charlie, were looking at Kendall.

"Well, Ms. Henry started class off by saying she would collect everyone's money, and I didn't know about any collection, so I asked if I could bring money tomorrow, and Charlie said I couldn't bring money for myself, so I bonked him."

Mrs. Sullivan looked at Mr. Thorsen. "Kendall and Charlie sit at the same work table together..."

"I know," said Mr. Thorsen, "I remember the layout from Parents' Night, they sit right in the front row. I find it a little hard to believe Kendall would bonk Charlie right in front of Ms. Henry like that."

"But he did, Dad! He bonked me right on the nose!" Charlie whined. "I was just trying to help him out when he turned around and asked James and Carlos behind us what the money was for-I told him, 'You can't give money. It's for you, stupid, cuz your daddy's dead.'"

All the adults in the room got absolutely still. Finally Mr. Thorsen spoke, low and quiet.

"Charlie," he said. "You called Kendall stupid when he was just being brave and trying to understand something for himself-do you understand why that was wrong?"

Charlie mumbled down at his shoes, "Yes, sir."

Mr. Thorsen turned to Mrs. Sullivan. "Mrs. Sullivan, I want to commend Kendall on showing great restraint and only bonking Charlie on the nose. Had I been there to hear it myself...well, he'll be doing extra chores for a month, you can be sure of that." Mr Thorsen looked at Mrs. Knight, his eyes full of apology. "Whatever I have to do to go on the record and say Kendall had every right to bonk him and for you to drop this matter, I'll do it. Do you want me to sign anything?"

Mrs. Sullivan smiled kindly. "I'm sure that won't be necessary. Are you boys going to work at getting along better? If I have to have the two of you down to my office for anything like this again..." Mrs. Sullivan had learned long ago that unspoken threats often worked the best with kids who weren't truly interested in making trouble in the first place.

"Yes, Mrs. Sullivan," Kendall and Charlie both said.

"Very well, then. I think it best if we consider this matter closed." Everyone nodded. "Well, um, Dr. and Mrs. Mitchell," she said, turning her attention to the family over in the chairs, "shall I walk you down to Logan's classroom now?"

"Mrs. Sullivan? Since Logan's gonna be in Ms. Henry's class with me, may I bring them down?" Kendall asked. Jennifer's eyes were welling up again. This was the most animated Kendall had been since the night they got the phone call...

Mrs. Sullivan raised her eyebrows at the adult Mitchells. They nodded and Mrs. Sullivan thanked Kendall and sent them on their way.

When they got to the classroom, Kendall introduced everyone to Ms. Henry, and then asked if it'd be okay if Logan shared his work table with him. Charlie jumped at the chance to move out of the front row. And Kendall and Logan have been right by each other's sides ever since.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note: **I don't have much to say here, I'll let the chapter speak for itself. I DO want to thank everyone that's reading, and I hope you're enjoying it (tell your friends!), and a special thanks to Wilhelm Wigworthy for being my first reviewer ever on here, and extra special thanks to my Tumblr friends Kitty and Aimee for their enthusiastic support and reviews. And, as always, the stuff to cover my butt can go right here: the M rating is for later chapters-there will be slash. I don't own these characters, but boy, if I did! Anyway, to cover my own butt, anything you may recognize isn't mine. Happy reading!

Logan actually flourishes after getting the news-he goes outside more, he gets more sleep (because of the security and warmth from sleeping in Kendall's arms), he gets better at dancing and singing because he's not stressing over working to become a doctor and worrying about fitting in online college courses while being in a boyband anymore. He stops reading textbooks and science manuals and reads for fun-stuff like P.G. Wodehouse and Lemony Snicket.

Kendall notices the changes and mentions to Logan he can tell he's reading for fun.

"How can you tell?" Logan asks, looking up at Kendall towering over him where he stands while Logan sits on the couch enjoying yet another in the series of unfortunate events befalling the Baudelaire children.

"Because your forehead doesn't have the wrinkles in it that it did when you'd concentrate so hard," Kendall said gently as he rubbed his fingers across Logan's smooth forehead. Kendall was looking at Logan thoughtfully, as Logan tilted his head up allowing Kendall to rub back and forth soothingly, his eyes staring into Kendall's. They stayed like that for quite a while, until the spell was broken by the other boys coming back in from the pool looking for something to eat.

Kendall breaks up with Jo, quietly and privately in a Skype call to New Zealand but lets Logan know during one of their nightly bed talks. They've always had those, even across the little aisle between their beds, now they're just quieter and more intimate, since they're curled up under the covers on Logan's bed. But they've always discussed everything that was going on in their lives. Even back in Minnesota schoolnight sleepovers were permitted since both Kendall and Katie stopped having nightmares the first time Logan was allowed to stay. Kendall's nightmares used to wake Katie up, and when she'd finally get back to sleep, she'd inevitably start crying out in the night. But Kendall didn't have a nightmare the first time Logan stayed over, the first weekend he lived in Minnesota, and any he had subsequently inevitably occurred on the nights they were separated due to one of them being sick, or when they had to visit relatives and stay overnight. The only other friends' houses Kendall ever stayed at were Carlos and James', and from the time Logan moved to town, it was understood that the new boy would be included in the "Three Musketeers" sleepovers. Kendall and Logan got into a routine they never outgrew, switching between houses after every couple of nights or so.

"How did Jo take it?" Logan whispered, remembering the hurt look in Camille's eyes as she insisted she understood, and apologizing profusely for not treating Logan better when she had the chance.

"She was fine with it. Being so far away, I was her boyfriend in name only. I get the feeling we'll see her name linked with one of her movie co-stars in the next Pop Tiger," Kendall said breezily. He could sense rather than see Logan's worried frown in their dark bedroom. "Logan, honest, it's okay. We got along fine, but as far as being in a 'relationship'? It was just something on her checklist from her publicist of things she had to have, right up there with long hair and the latest smart phone. One boyfriend: preferably slightly less good looking than her, slightly less famous than her, and definitely not a bad boy."

Logan didn't like the sound of that, like they ordered Kendall out of a catalog or something.

"You made a very convincing bad boy," he said, smiling in spite of everything. That memory was one of his favorites.

"That's my loyal Logie," Kendall said, giving him a squeeze and closing his eyes for the night.

Logan, however, stayed awake mulling things over. He wondered if there was a way he could fix this for Kendall. Ever since they were kids, with Kendall's dad being gone forever and Logan's orthopedic surgeon father at work or at conferences or catching up on sleep from long shifts at the hospital, it usually fell to Logan to find solutions to the problems dads normally fielded that cropped up in life. Not that one of their moms weren't more than capable of stepping into the breach, and both moms did do that countless times when things proved beyond Logan's skills, but he would always try first. Kendall was always sticking up for him with bullies and coaching him in hockey, Logan wanted to give his share of support, beyond helping with homework.

One of the proudest moments of Logan's life was the look in Kendall's eyes when Logan was able to finally figure out how to replace the bike chain that had slipped off his first ten speed bike. Kendall had gotten the bike for his 13th birthday, the first of their group of friends to get one. But no one was around to teach him how to shift into the different speeds, and the chain slipped off the first time he tried to ride it. Logan got himself right to the library, buried his nose in a few different books for about an hour, then went to Kendall's and managed to get the chain back on and explained to Kendall what he had read about how to shift the gears. Kendall looked at him like he had invented fire. At that point, Kendall had just had a growth spurt that brought him up to his almost full grown height, and Logan was still about as tall as he had been as an eleven year old. Kendall sat on the bike seat, his long legs struck out on either side of the bike, his feet on the ground as Logan went over the different gear positions with him. Logan had chain oil smudged on his nose and chin, and even with Kendall in an almost sitting position, he was still a good deal taller than Logan. But Logan could do anything, in Kendall's eyes.

Over the years, Logan would earn that look of admiration again and again as he helped Kendall out. He loved that look. He loved helping Kendall out.

Logan rolled over on his side and contemplated the sleeping Kendall. There was just enough moonlight coming through their window now that he could make out Kendall's features. He looked…content, Logan realized. Logan thought back over their conversation about Jo, thought about what Kendall didn't say more than what he did. He didn't sound upset or regretful, and he most certainly hadn't asked Logan for help, not even indirectly. Maybe there was nothing here to fix? Once that thought flitted into Logan's mind, he was finally able to shut off his thoughts and drifted to sleep himself.

Other nights though, they talk about what Logan won't talk about with anyone else. He's decided he doesn't want to tell anyone what he knows, and, after he patiently goes over his reasons with Kendall, Kendall had to admit he makes some good points.

"If anyone else knew, that'd it be it, that's all that would be discussed. And since there's no options for the outcome, why waste time preparing for a future I won't be a part of? Maybe it's not fair to you and the guys to not start looking for my replacement now…" Logan's words were cut off by Kendall's unintelligible shout. Kendall hadn't thought that far ahead, wouldn't think that far ahead, but there's one thing he knew down to his very soul: whatever the future held once Logan was gone, there would never be four people in Big Time Rush again. If it meant the end of the band, so be it. Probably Carlos and James would have to continue as a duo. There's no way Kendall would want to be on a stage without Logan, ever. He didn't say any of that to Logan; he didn't want Logan wasting any of the precious time he had left trying to talk him into a future path he wouldn't take without Logan.

Logan also says how he doesn't want to see the hurt in Kendall's mom's and sister's eyes if they knew. And he doesn't want anybody feeling sorry for him, or treating him like he's fragile. He's enjoyed how Gustavo and the guys have been complimenting him on his improved singing and dancing, and right now he knows they're saying it because they really mean it.

Kendall can't take any of that away from him, and he's right there with Logan on not wanting to see his mom or Katie being hurt before they're going to be anyway. Would his father's death been any the easier if they knew it was coming? Of course not. Kendall doesn't want Logan to have to see them sad like they will be again and know that he's the reason for it.

"And, if my parents knew, they'd take me away from y...here," Logan said sadly. "They'd bring me back to Minnesota and just hover over me and watch me until I died." Kendall knew this would be true. Logan's parents, while a lot less demonstrative when it came to pride or affection than any of the other parents of the boys, were always the ones to most keep an eye on Logan, and any of the friends if they were over. Whereas at Kendall's they'd spend most of their time in Kendall's room doing anything from playing to homework, at the Mitchell's they did their work at the dining room table under the watchful eye of one or both of his parents, and all play was to take place in the family room-Logan's room was strictly for sleeping. It wasn't a comfortable environment at all.

So everything's just kept between the two of them. And the two of them make a real effort to keep everything as normal as possible, even just between them.

It's not always easy. Christmas is super tough, they both have to push "this is the last one" thoughts out of their minds constantly. And Kendall has no idea what to give Logan for a present. Any clothes or jewelry Kendall sees and has the fleeting thought how perfect it would look on Logan morphs into the thought of him being buried wearing it and Kendall stops going to stores-everyone's gifts are purchased online. He thinks about writing a song just for Logan, but there's no way he'd be able to get through the verses about their friendship without breaking down. In the end, he obtains a first edition copy of Thank You, Jeeves from the UK. It cost as much as a used car, but Logan's worth that, and so much more, to Kendall.

For his part, Logan gives Kendall a book as well: a leather bound journal with Kendall's initials embossed into the cover.

"You know, for writing songs in and whatever," Logan says when Kendall opens it under the tree in 2J, with all the noise and happiness of everyone opening their presents around them. Kendall opens the journal to the first page and sees Logan has written something.

"Please write down everything you'd know I wouldn't want to miss."

Kendall's eyes fill with tears. There's no journal big enough in the world to hold all the things Logan should be there for. He senses Logan is looking at him though, so he raises his head and mouths the words, "I will."

They manage to get through the holidays. Kendall and Logan beg off from Gustavo's New Year's Rocquing Eve (yes, he went there) party and watch the Mighty Ducks trilogy on DVD at home with cartons of Chinese food, just the two of them. They're not even awake when the clock strikes midnight, having fallen asleep about a half hour into the third movie, their heads sharing the same pillow where the two couches meet to form an L.

After New Year's, Katie and Mama Knight leave for a week to visit family back in Minnesota. The guys are taking advantage of a Gustavo vacation to Fiji to go up to Bear Mountain for snowboarding, but the day before they're leaving Logan comes down with a bad cold. He begs Kendall not to sleep in his bed that night, but Kendall won't hear of it, insisting he promised Logan wouldn't ever be alone.

"Kendall, what does that have to do with anything? Sleep in your own bed. You won't get sick and I won't be alone, you'll be right there."

"No."

"Why are you being so stubborn about this?" Logan asked, breaking into a fit of coughing before he got to the end of the sentence.

"Because I made a promise to you, Logan."

"Well, in life sometimes you have to make adjustments. Like in the matter of this cold, for instance. I really don't see myself enjoying being up at Big Bear, and I don't want to have to suffer all the way up there on the car ride just to _not_ go snowboarding and be stuck in the room. I'll let you sleep with me tonight if you promise that you'll go to the mountain without me if I'm still sick tomorrow," Logan told him, his voice raspy and fading fast.

"WHAT? No way, I promised…"

Logan held up a hand. "Save it, Kendall. I don't have the energy to argue. You've been doing everything you can for me these past couple of months, haven't you?"

Kendall nodded.

"Well then, either you're going to go up to Big Bear FOR me, or I'll force my sick self to go FOR you." Logan held a distinct advantage over Kendall in that Kendall didn't believe he could match Logan in a battle of wits, like in The Princess Bride.

Kendall reluctantly agrees to Logan's terms, but insists on sleeping in his bed with him this last night. Logan mutters it'll be Kendall's own fault when he comes down with a hellacious cold up on the mountain.

The next day dawned, and Kendall hoped against hope that Logan would've made a miraculous recovery, but he hasn't, and the other three boys leave for the mountain, Kendall looking like a lost puppy the whole way out the door. Logan goes back to his room and sleeps for about 46 straight hours.

Or, he would have, if it weren't for Kendall calling or texting every half hour or so. When Mrs. Knight calls to check on Logan, he mentions in passing how he's not getting much sleep because Kendall keeps calling.

"You leave him to me, Logan. I'll call and tell him that from here on out, you'll call me every eight to twelve hours or so-whenever you're awake-and then I'll call him and let him know you're fine. He won't bug you again until you're up to handling it."

"Thanks, Mama Knight," Logan said with gratitude, before breaking into another coughing fit.

Kendall wasn't happy about the new arrangement, but even he realized it was the only way Logan would get any rest. Once Logan was able to stop keeping an ear out for his ringtone, he was able to let his body sink into the deep sleep it needed to get him over his cold. He woke up in the late afternoon of the second day the guys were gone, finally feeling human again. There was a rainstorm raging outside, and Logan listened to the water lashing against the window in his room for a while, then got up, brushed his teeth, and had a nice long hot shower.

He wandered back into his and Kendall's room once he was all clean, and rummaged through his chest of drawers for clean socks and underwear and his comfiest sweatpants. On a whim, he decided to put on one of Kendall's shirts, his secret favorite for Kendall to sleep in. It was dark green and really complimented Kendall's eyes, plus it was as soft as baby clothes. Logan was glad to notice the fact that it smelled like Kendall, since that meant Logan could actually smell things again. He bet that meant he could taste things too and made his way out to the kitchen and made himself a protein smoothie. When he started up the blender, he thought maybe the lights flickered for a second, but nothing further happened so he didn't think about it again. He poured the smoothie into a tall glass and made his way to the living room, sipping it as he went. The blinds were closed so he didn't see the lightning that was flashing across the sky, but a few seconds later, a rumble of thunder shook the whole apartment, it felt like.

Logan turned the TV on and found a local station that was airing the news. He sat on the couch, his smoothie forgotten and his brow furrowed as reports of severe weather all over southern California were being shown. He couldn't believe he had been so out of it the past two days that all this catastrophic weather was going on without him knowing. Reports of heavy snowfall in the mountains and non-stop rain nearer the coast made up the whole opening segment of the news. There were power outages starting to crop up, and roads were becoming impassible due to snow in the mountains and the very real threat of mudslides in the lower terrain. Logan ran to his room and got his phone. When he tried calling Kendall's number, it went straight to voicemail. So then he tried James.

"Logan, buddy! You feeling better? Are you on your way here?" James yelled over the sound of several voices in the background.

On his way…? "James, where's Kendall?" Logan didn't have time just now to try to figure out why James had asked if he was on his way.

"I figure you'd know the answer to that-he went to get you," James said.

"Get me? Why?" Logan asked.

"We're in a big blackout up here. There's been a storm raging the past day and a half, they shut down the mountain and we're all stuck inside, using the fireplace for cooking hotdogs and stuff," James said.

"Why on earth would Kendall go out in that kind of weather? Why would he drive?" Logan felt himself starting to panic, and he knew he had to be calm, not only for his heart's sake, but for Kendall.

"It wasn't that bad yet when he left," James said.

"Well, when WAS that?" Logan was getting so sick of having to drag every piece of information out of James.

"I dunno-this morning? Hey, Carlos. CARLOS! When did Kendall leave?"

Logan could hear Carlos' answer through the phone. "I dunno-this morning?"

That was hours and hours ago. Logan was gritting his teeth. "James, I've gotta go, call me if you hear anything." James said sure and hung up. Logan tried Kendall's number again, but this time got an automated message that all circuits were down in the subscriber's area. Logan unmuted the TV and listened to the reports of wild weather everywhere. The station interrupted its own coverage of bad weather with the breaking news of a mudslide taking out part of a road in San Bernardino. Logan's eyes widened in horror. It's the exact road the boys would always take to and from the mountain. What if Kendall was on it? What if Kendall was swept away…?

Logan's quickly escalating panicky thoughts were interrupted by the phone in his hand giving off a weak "moop" sound. He looked down just in time to notice the empty battery symbol flash weakly before the phone powered itself off. Of course! He hadn't plugged it in for over two days as it remained by his bedside instead of plugged in at the dock on his desk. He turned to go to the bedroom to grab the charger when there was a crack of thunder that rocked the whole building and he was plunged into total darkness. His stocking covered toes came in harsh contact with the corner of the couch leg and he dropped his phone. Stupid thing wasn't going to do him any good now, anyway, until the power came back on. He spun around and plunked down on the couch, rubbing his toes and trying not to swear.

There was nothing to do now but go back to worrying about Kendall. Why would he be so foolish as to venture out in such bad weather? "Because of _me_," Logan's guilty conscience told him. "Why didn't I just suck it up and go up to the mountain with them?" He knew what Kendall was like, he knew Kendall wouldn't stay away the whole week without him. And now he could be stuck, or hurt, or worse, because he was trying to get back to Logan. Logan suddenly missed Kendall more than he ever had in his whole life, because, truth be told, there had never been a point in his life before when he had to miss Kendall-he was always right there. Right there when Logan needed him. No matter what. Logan's eyes were filling with tears. The room kept being momentarily lit up with lightning as the storm raged on outside, but then plunging back into stygian darkness. This was what Logan's future was, being trapped in an eternal darkness, all alone, without Kend…

The apartment door flew open. Logan felt his heart literally stop in his chest. A small rectangle of light (that Logan later figured out had to be coming from a phone screen) was making its way across the apartment at a rapid speed. Logan didn't have time, or the breath, to say anything before someone was kneeling in front of him and a pair of familiar arms in a soaking wet coat were being wrapped around him.

Logan's stilled heart finally starts pounding again and every beat is Ken-dall, Ken-dall, Ken-dall-it's all Logan can hear. Logan bursts out crying, he's nearly incoherent as he says over and over, "I missed you, I wished you were here, I needed you," Kendall is trying to calm him, trying to shush him, but he keeps crying out the same phrases over and over, so Kendall…kisses him. The kiss, Logan's feeling a million things at once-the softness of Kendall's lips against his, the hard muscle and bone of Kendall's shoulders under his coat, the cold tip of Kendall's nose pushing against his wet cheek, the warm breath of Kendall slipping across his mouth as their lips pull apart for air, and then the first thing he says before thinking is, "Why have I wasted all this time? I've wanted you since before we moved to LA." Then he rips Kendall's coat open and tries to snuggle closer as he puts his passionate all into yet another kiss.


	4. Chapter 4

Just then the lights came back on. Logan jumped back from Kendall in surprise and put his hands up on Kendall's shoulders when his forward motion (he was still VERY into the kiss) would have pitched him right into Logan.

Logan's eyes were as big as Kendall could ever remember seeing them as they stared into his.

"What are we doing?" Logan asked.

"What feels right," Kendall shrugged, moving forward to kiss Logan again. Logan stopped his momentum again by pushing back against Kendall's shoulders.

"Kendall, I...", Logan stopped speaking-he what?

"You what, Logie?"

"I don't know what this is."

"Why does it have to BE anything? You were upset, you missed me, I came back, I kissed you." Kendall grinned winningly, "YOU kissed me back!"

Simple equation, you'd think Logan could follow that easily.

Logan swallowed and tried to begin again.

"What do you want to do now?" he asked tentatively.

Kendall considered him for a long moment. "I want to take you to our room and do what comes naturally."

Logan blinked, hard.

"An...and what do you think that is?" he barely squeaked out.

Kendall sighed and looked down. "Nothing, I guess," he murmured more to himself than Logan.

"Kendall, look at me, please," Logan said, almost as quietly, but there was a strength behind his soft tone.

Kendall looked up into Logan's eyes. Logan had been afraid of what he might see there; he was afraid he wouldn't be able to look away, to let it go, and he was right. His fingers went from being passively spread against Kendall's shirt to grabbing the material and pulling Kendall back to him. He brought his lips to Kendall's with more passion than before when the lights were out and ran his tongue along Kendall's bottom lip. Kendall moaned and let Logan's tongue into his mouth, and Logan was transported by the warmth and softness he felt. Kendall's tongue met his and they continued to kiss deeply for a few moments. They finally paused for a breath, and Logan leaned his forehead against Kendall's.

"So, bedroom?" Kendall whispered hopefully.

"Kendall, I don't want you to feel that you have to..." Kendall silenced Logan with another kiss.

"Bedroom," Kendall said, and his tone effectively put a stop to conversation or debate.

They walked into their old familiar room, and to Logan, at least, everything looked different, now that they weren't in here to sleep, or hang out. The overhead light was too bright, so he walked over to his desk and turned on his reading light and walked back and flicked off the light switch by the door, leaving most of the room in the shadow of the soft glow coming from the desk. The beds-his was still unmade, he hadn't felt like making it when he got up despite feeling better than when he had gone to sleep in it two days before, and of course Kendall's hadn't been used in months. Kendall seemed to notice the thoughtful way Logan was staring at the jumbled sheets and blankets of his own bed, and he took Logan's hand and led him over to the other bed and sat down with him on the edge of the mattress. Logan looked down at their joined hands.

"Kendall, you don't have to," he began, but Kendall silenced him with another kiss.

"Logan," he whispered in his ear, "what if I told you I really want this?"

Logan chanced another look into Kendall's eyes. He saw want there, and caring, and-what, was he kidding himself? He was no mind reader. The logical part of his brain told him IF he was seeing anything in Kendall's eyes, it was a reflection of what Logan himself desired-he was just imposing it there.

"Logan? Can I kiss you some more?" Kendall's voice was a soft purr. Not that Logan had an ounce of reserve to resist him anyway, but if he had, that voice would've melted it away. Logan nodded, unwilling to trust his voice.

Kendall softly kissed him at first, but considering how heated things had gotten before the lights came back on, they quickly found themselves back to the level of arousal they'd been experiencing out in the living room.

Kendall had been holding Logan around the waist, and Logan's arms were wrapped around Kendall's shoulders. Kendall began rubbing his hands up and down Logan's sides, and then brought his left hand down to Logan's lap. Logan gasped into Kendall's kiss as his fingers fluttered over the rising bulge in his sweatpants. Suddenly the angle they were sitting at on the bed seemed too awkward. Logan let himself back fall onto the mattress, pulling Kendall with him by gently cradling his face in his hands and bringing their lips back together once he was lying down. Kendall moved so his torso was lined up next to Logan's, and grasped Logan's growing erection firmly through the material of his pants. Logan opened his eyes wide and moaned.

"Logan, I want you," Kendall whispered between fervent kisses. That gave Logan pause. Kendall had said they should do what came naturally, and he naturally wanted to come, but just HOW things worked in these situations? That was still one of life's great mysteries, as far as Logan was concerned.

"Uh," he kissed Kendall some more, stalling for time. Think, Mitchell, THINK, he told himself. Kendall continued to rub and grasp his erection, and for some reason, that seemed to make thinking damn near impossible. Kendall broke their kiss and started nibbling on Logan's earlobe, and then working his way down Logan's jawline, and then down his neck, and then he finally let go of Logan where he was holding him, but pushed up on his shirt and Logan sat up with a giggle. "That tickles!" he said and Kendall growled, "Adorable," and used the advantage of Logan sitting up to remove his shirt. Kendall then looked down at his own shirt, and noticed he was still wearing his winter coat and scarf. He grinned impishly at Logan and stood up and quickly removed the coat, scarf, plaid shirt, and thermal undershirt he had been wearing. Before Logan had time to register Kendall had just thrown half the clothes he'd been wearing across the room, Kendall was back on the bed, pulling Logan back to the prone position they had been in before, and now the feeling of skin on skin was making Logan very interested in seeing what might happen next.

Kendall went back to kissing Logan's neck, but before he could get much further, Logan pushed Kendall onto his back. He began kissing Kendall's collar bone and rubbing his hands across Kendall's abs. Kendall made a delightful sound at that, and Logan pulled back to look at him, but just as he was about to get lost in Kendall's green eyes again, his gaze was captivated by Kendall's left nipple-the light from the desk lamp was hitting it just so. It looked so soft, and WHY hadn't Logan ever noticed Kendall's nipples before? Why did men have nipples anyway? Kendall cleared his throat.

"Um, Logan? You okay there?" he croaked.

Logan shook his head as if to clear it and brought his mouth swiftly to that left nipple. He swirled his tongue around it experimentally, and decided it tasted just as good as it looked. Kendall moaned and brought his hips up toward Logan, which resulted in Logan feeling Kendall's member straining against his jeans. Logan had the fleeting thought that those jeans couldn't be as comfortable as his sweats, and that he should do something about that for Kendall, so he pushed his hips down against Kendall's, and, without ever removing his mouth from Kendall's nipple, unfastened the buttons on his jeans and even worked the material of the pants down a few inches. Kendall brought his hands around to cup Logan's ass, and pulled Logan so he was resting between Kendall's legs and they commenced grinding against each other while Logan paid some attention to Kendall's right nipple. Kendall started to buck up against Logan in earnest, and Logan looked up into Kendall's eyes once again.

"Logan, please, I want you," Kendall began. "I want you inside me," he finished in a whisper. Logan's eyes popped open really wide yet again.

"But..., that is to say, I haven't ever," Logan stumbled over his words. He cleared his throat and started again, "It doesn't have to be me...doing the..." he stopped helplessly and looked at Kendall.

"Yeah, it does. Our first time, it has to be me-I'm not going to put you through anything that I don't know what it's like for myself, and from everything I've read, the, uh, guy on the uh, erm, bottom? Shall we say? Yeah, for him, the first time, can, uh, hurt," he finished red faced. Logan lurched forward and kissed Kendall full on the mouth.

"You don't have to worry about me, Kendall. If we're going to do this, I'm willing-" Kendall cut him off.

"LOGAN. We're not going to sit here and fight over who has to bottom! Wow, that might be the gayest thing I ever say!" Kendall cracked himself up, and Logan found himself laughing as well. Kendall took the opportunity to stick his tongue back into Logan's open mouth. The quick shift from amusement to passion took them both by surprise. Kendall was back to business. "Logan, please, now, I want to, I want YOU to."

Logan tried to come up with an argument to put a stop to this, but since he felt he wanted it too, what could he do? He simply nodded, and kissed Kendall yet again.

This time Kendall pulled back. "Uh, the thing is, I don't have a, ya know, a condom?" Kendall told him.

"That's okay," Logan replied quickly, "I've never done anything, so I don't have anything STD-wise, and, ya know, can't get pregnant!" he tried to end on a cheery note.

Kendall asked him, "You've never done ANYTHING?"

Logan shrugged. "No," he answered, "I already told you Camille and I never did."

Kendall scoffed, "Well, sure, I remember that-but there's never been anybody else?"

Now it was Logan's turn to scoff. "Kendall, who would there have been? Camille was the first girl I ever talked to-you know I didn't talk to, let alone date, anyone in Minnesota. And no other girl here would go within ten feet of me once they saw Camille slapping me around the Palm Woods-they didn't dare get on her bad side, even when we were on the outs."

"But not even on the road? When we were on tour?"

"Kendall, you were with me on tour-when did I have time to sneak off and find some willing groupie and have my way with them?" Logan's lower regions were getting bored with this conversation. He needed them to be back on point.

"What about you? Did you and Jo-" he began.

Kendall stopped him quickly, "NO-talk about when would we have time?" Kendall snorted.

Logan was puzzled. "You guys went out for over a year."

"And that was the key-we were always OUT. Don't you remember how many stupid picnics I was always setting up to have with her? She always wanted to be out where we'd be seen, and people would see me making a fuss over her. The one time she agreed to anything close to a private date was when we were going to the movies but only because it was the premiere of the hottest date movie out at the time, and that didn't even work out because we brought Carlos along and before the show even started, she left. I was a photo op to her, Logan. Nothing more."

Logan thought that was kind of shitty. Then he remembered what Kendall had asked of him, "And, no one else? Before, after, or on the road?" he asked shyly.

Kendall grinned. "Nope-if you'll recall, I didn't even notice girls back in Minnesota; and then once we got out here and went out on the road-all that time I was with you that you couldn't be off with groupies? I was WITH YOU. And, I didn't date anyone once I broke things off with Jo-the whole point of that was spending as much time as I could with you." His eyes clouded over at that thought, and Logan figured he was thinking about the reason they decided they had to spend all their time together. Maybe he should say something about how his heart had seemed to stop but...

Before that thought could formulate in his mind, Kendall was kissing him with more passion than before. He also had brought his hand down to Logan's penis again, and was trying to stroke him through his sweatpants.

"Logan," he mumbled into Logan's cheek, and then decided to poke the tip of his tongue into Logan's dimple there, because he could. "Logan, enough talk. Let's agree that we don't need a condom and," Kendall figured Logan got the gist and settled for nibbling gently on his jawline instead of finishing the thought with words.

"Huh," Logan said on a long breath, "Um, yes, well, right. Well, where condoms aren't necessary here, I do have say lube of some sort is-everything I've read leads me to believe it's indispensable-we really can't do, uh, this, without it."

Kendall continued to lick and nibble Logan's jawline and neck. "And just what have you been reading?" he asked, his lips tickling against Logan's neck as his mouth formed the words.

"Ah-One Direction fan fiction?" Logan answered sheepishly.

That answer surprised Kendall into pulling back and looking Logan right in the eye. "You've been reading WHAT?" he squeaked.

"Hey, you were the one that was happy I stopped burying my nose in text books and science manuals. I couldn't read just P.G. Wodehouse all the time, you know!' Logan could feel his cheeks burning red.

"But-FAN FICTION?" Kendall asked incredulously.

"It's easy to find, you get to read a lot of different styles of writing in one place, and it's a quick read, usually," Logan wrapped up, a little lamely.

"But, One Direction?" Kendall asked again, laughing a little by now.

"I didn't want to read about us," Logan began.

"No way! There's stuff on there about us?" Kendall couldn't believe it. "Although, if there's stories about Jo, she'll probably be thrilled," he continued, more to himself than Logan. "Baby oil."

Logan looked at him in confusion and puckered out his bottom lip. Kendall groaned and placed his own lips around Logan's bottom lip before he could take it out of the pout. Kendall sucked gently on it and Logan swore that he, Logan, swooned. "Buhby hoil?" he tried to say.

Kendall smiled, releasing Logan's lip, and repeated, "Baby oil. My mom and Katie keep some in their shower-supposed to keep their skin soft or something, I don't know. Wait here."

Kendall was back faster than Logan could've thought possible-Kendall had some damn long legs, and even though his pants were unfastened, they stayed up enough for him to walk around in. He was carrying a plastic bottle with a pink cap, and he had a big smile on his face.

"Okay, fan boy-what does the internet say we do with this?"

Logan pressed his lips together in a line over that fan boy crack, but he was mesmerized by the thought of what he was about to do with the contents of that bottle. "Well, uh, I gotta, mmmm, prep, uh, you," he explained.

"You have to do it?"

Logan grinned, "Well, there's no rule that says I have to do it, you could do it yourself, but let's just say I'd like to give it a try." Kendall grinned back and handed the bottle to him.

"Lie down," Logan said, flipping open the bottle with his thumb.

Kendall stood there smiling at him. Logan looked up at him with raised eyebrows.

"Logan, I know it's our first time, and you've been the one reading up on the subject, but wouldn't it help if I had my pants off?"

Logan blushed. "Of course," he said.

"And how 'bout while we're about it, you take yours off too?" Kendall grinned, obviously enjoying the blush as it deepened on Logan's normally snow white cheeks.

Logan huffed and stood up. "I seem to have my hands full," he said innocently, pointedly looking at the plastic bottle which he quickly wrapped both hands around to appear more helpless.

Kendall paused in the act of pushing his pants down and shot Logan an "I can't believe you" look, until he saw the playful light in Logan's eyes. He quickly finished pushing his pants down and then got stuck, since he had neglected to take off his boots. Logan laughed and put the bottle down on Kendall's nightstand and grabbed Kendall's shoulders and maneuvered him around so his back was to the bed. He gave Kendall a playful shove so he sat down hard, then Logan crouched down and worked off one boot and then the other. Looking up at Kendall with a more serious expression now, he tugged Kendall's pants off and then peeled his socks off. As soon as that was accomplished, Kendall let out a low growl and pulled Logan back to a standing position while he simultaneously stood up from the bed. He latched his lips onto Logan's shoulder and trailed his mouth down to his belly button while he pushed down Logan's sweatpants to about his knees, when Logan grew impatient and pulled them off the rest of the way and then hopped from foot to foot as he took his socks off. He looked back up at Kendall and Kendall swooped down to capture Logan's lips in another kiss. Their tongues were sliding together when Logan noticed a tickling feeling again at his sides-Kendall was pushing down his boxer briefs. Logan decided that was a great idea, and returned the favor by pushing down Kendall's. They both stopped when they couldn't reach any further down without breaking the kiss, so then they broke apart and each went to pull their own underwear off the rest of the way-and promptly smacked their foreheads together.

"OW!" they pretty much yelped in unison. They looked into each other's eyes and began to laugh again, and each took a step back, just as synchronized as any dance move they had ever done on stage, and finished getting their shorts off. Now there was at least a yard of space between them, and they seemed to get shy with one another. Logan looked down at Kendall's feet for a second, and then chanced a look back up to Kendall's eyes.

"Hey, you," Kendall said quietly, taking a long stride forward to close the gap between them and then wrapped one arm around Logan's waist and the other going down over his shoulder in a hug. It sort of surprised them both, but then Logan leaned into it and realized he felt what he always felt when he was close to Kendall-warm and safe. He brought his arms around Kendall too, and just stood there for a moment, finally feeling he might for once be close enough to Kendall so that he didn't have to want for more.

"You're my best friend, you know that?" Kendall whispered into Logan's hair. Logan squeezed Kendall tighter and with a nod moved his head down so his ear was against Kendall's chest, listening for a moment as his heartbeat sped up. Then Logan lifted his head to look at Kendall again and Kendall tilted his head down and found Logan's lips with his, and they both shifted their feet and suddenly found themselves in full contact with one another. Kendall deepened this kiss, but then broke away and grabbed both their pillows off of Logan's bed and tossed them on his own and pulled back the sheet and blanket. Then he took Logan's hands in his and sat on the bed and swung his legs up onto it, then gently tugged Logan's hands forward to get him to join him on the bed. Logan smiled shyly as he climbed onto the bed and watched as Kendall reclined back so he was resting against their stacked pillows. Kendall released Logan's hands, and Logan put them up on Kendall's shoulders and kissed him and tried to remain calm when his cock came in contact with Kendall's tummy as he half straddled/half hovered over Kendall. Kendall's hands found their way back down Logan's ribs and he slid them down lower where they rubbed over the dimples on his back. Kendall moaned wantonly and dipped each of his thumbs into Logan's back dimples and rubbed soft circles there. Logan arched his back in pleasure, creating more contact with Kendall in the front. When his brain registered the fact that Kendall had an erection right alongside his own, Logan decided it was probably time to get the baby oil involved.

He brought his knees up under himself between Kendall's legs and reached to the nightstand. Once the bottle was back in his hands, he went to look up at Kendall, but his eyes swept over Kendall lying before him and he had to take a moment to appreciate what he was seeing. After more than half a lifetime together in hockey locker rooms, being roommates, sharing a bathroom at home, and hotel rooms, and tour buses, and backstage quick changes, all the guys had seen each other naked, in flashes, plenty of times. But Logan had never seen Kendall like this, lying back and waiting just for Logan.

"You're quite beautiful," Logan whispered, the words flying past his lips almost as soon as his mind had the thought.

"Was just thinking that about you," Kendall smiled at him.

Logan blushed, and leaned forward and gave Kendall a quick kiss. Then he sat back and poured a little pool of baby oil into the palm of his hand, placed the bottle back on the nightstand, and rubbed the oil around three of the fingers on his other hand. Kendall watched the procedure closely, but didn't say anything.

Logan took in a deep breath. "You ready?" he asked. Kendall smiled and nodded, maybe even unconsciously spread his legs a bit further apart. "Oh, wait! I just remembered," Logan began. Kendall let out a small whimper of frustration. "No, this is important. It'll go easier on you if you're up on your hands and knees," Logan told him.

Kendall raised an eyebrow at him. "It says that in 1D fan fic?"

"No, silly. I read it in 'Savage Love'," Logan reprimanded him. "He's an advice columnist..."

Kendall cut him off, "I know who Dan Savage is, Logan, I know about the It Gets Better project. But, anyway, no way am I turning around for this-I want to be able to see you."

"But Kend..." Logan was cut off when Kendall scooted down a bit on the mattress and squeezed his legs against Logan's thighs.

"Let's do this," Kendall growled seductively.

Logan bit his lower lip, looked at Kendall, and then leaned forward and gently pressed his lubed up forefinger against Kendall's bottom. He immediately felt self-conscious, and did what he automatically did in situations where he felt he was in over his head. He looked to Kendall. Kendall was watching him closely, and when their eyes met, he smiled softly and said, "C'mere." Logan leaned over his body again, and Kendall craned his neck up and began kissing Logan, holding his head in place with one hand softly pressed to Logan's neck, and holding himself up on his other elbow. Kendall was lightly rubbing circles into the bottom of Logan's hairline, and Logan pressed his finger against Kendall's hole. He gently slid the one finger in and started to circle it around a bit.

"Is that okay?" he whispered into the kisses he and Kendall were sharing.

"Uh, yeah, actually, it is. It felt a little weird at first, but...don't stop."

They put a little more passion and movement into the kissing they were doing, and Logan added his middle finger to the first finger and really began to try to stretch Kendall as best he could.

"Okay?" he asked again.

"Logan, it's, uh, it's gonna kinda kill the mood if you keep asking me every step of the way-just figure if I'm not saying anything about it, you can keep on going."

Logan took a deep breath and went back to kissing Kendall, trying to remember anything useful he had read. He thought of nearly every story mentioning crooking fingers, so he did that, and Kendall responded immediately, "Oh, GOD-do that again!" Kendall said right into Logan's kiss, and then bit down on Logan's lip for added emphasis. Logan grinned and complied, sweeping his fingers over the spot again and again. Kendall started to bear down and push himself onto Logan's fingers, and Logan decided he could add his third slicked up finger to the procedure.

Kendall's breathing was getting quite heavy. "More, unh, Logan! More!"

Logan had no idea if he had done enough to prepare Kendall, and just kept thrusting his fingers into Kendall and tried to move them around as much as he could, but the man under him was becoming quite agitated, and Kendall finally grabbed the bottle of baby oil off the nightstand, poured a good amount into his hand, and started stroking Logan with it. "Logan, NOW, please. I want you now."

Logan had never felt so good in his entire life. When Kendall's warm, slicked up hand began pumping him, he almost came then and there. Kendall started to actually pull Logan closer to him by the hold he had on his member, and Logan knew he had to just go for it. He wrapped his own hand around the base, and Kendall tilted his hips up. Logan pushed against Kendall, and then slowly worked his way in, watching Kendall's face beneath him the whole time. Kendall got quiet, this was quite a bit more substantial than Logan's fingers invading its way inside him, and when Logan saw tears spring to his eyes he was going to pull out. Kendall either sensed something in Logan's look, or felt him stop moving forward, because he quickly gasped, "No, don't stop, don't go back."

Logan didn't know what to do. He could not hurt Kendall, no matter how incredible he was feeling pushing into this new sensation of tight heat. Kendall wrapped his legs around Logan's waist and pushed his hips even further towards Logan. "Logan, don't STOP-it'll feel better in a minute, I know it will."

Logan did as his friend wished, and kept slowly working his way inside Kendall. Once he was in to his hilt, he just stopped and wiped Kendall's tears away as Kendall lay there with his eyes squeezed shut.

"Hey," Logan whispered, "please look at me."

Kendall opened his eyes to find Logan just inches above his face. Logan gave him a soft smile, and gently kissed him on the lips. "You okay, Kendall?" he asked, his words hushed and his eyes worried.

Kendall broke into a beautiful smile. "Logan-we're connected. We're together." His voice held a tone of wonder that caused Logan's eyes to tear up. "You can go ahead and move now, Logan." Kendall's voice was a caress.

Logan concentrated on finding that spot that his fingers had made Kendall feel so good at. He bit down on his lower lip, slowly pulled back from Kendall, tried to change his angle a bit, and carefully moved back in. He pushed in and out a few times, trying to angle his hips differently each time, and suddenly Kendall was moaning and pushing back against him.

"Oh god, Logan, right there, right there, right there!" Kendall was getting louder with every push from Logan. They were both rocking against each other, Logan seeing Kendall's face below him become more and more enraptured. Now that he was convinced he wasn't hurting Kendall, Logan allowed himself to notice what he was feeling, and he felt GOOD. He sped up his thrusts and tried to push deeper into Kendall each time. They worked themselves into a good rhythm, each chanting the others name. Logan reached between them and started stroking Kendall in time to his thrusts. Kendall let out a loud cry at that, and told Logan he was close. Logan smiled at him and stroked faster, moving his hips faster as well. Kendall had his hands on Logan's hips, pushing and pulling him as Logan had him seeing stars. "Logan, I'm gonna..." Kendall gasped out, his voice already raw from yelling Logan's name so often.

"Let go, Kendall, I want you to, I'm right here," Logan promised him.

Kendall swore he was already floating inches above the mattress. He had never felt so transported in his life. There was no pain now, only pure pleasure and bliss, all coming from the things Logan was doing to him. "Logan, I lo-Logan!" he finished with a cry, his ejaculation finally letting loose between them. Logan continued stroking him and Kendall clenched around him inside. This new sensation, plus seeing Kendall coming undone beneath him brought Logan to orgasm. He closed his eyes and rocked against Kendall until it was over, with Kendall leaning up to kiss him once again as Logan came down from his high.

Opening his eyes, he asked Kendall, "Was that okay?"

Kendall grinned and whispered, "Wonderful."

Logan smiled back at him, his big brown eyes shining, "Wonderful, huh? I'm glad." He gently pulled out of Kendall, and rolled over Kendall's leg so he was laying on his side next to him. Suddenly he was more tired than he could ever remember being in his life. He looked at Kendall and sighed. "Should we shower? We're kinda sticky here now."

Kendall looked at him appraisingly. "I don't mind if you don't mind-you wanna wait till morning?"

Logan gave him a blissful, tired smile and nodded gratefully. Kendall pulled up the sheet and blanket around them, and cuddled Logan close to his side. Logan wrapped his arm tightly around Kendall, kissed whatever part of Kendall his head was resting against, and Kendall kissed his hair.

"G'night, Logan," Kendall murmured.

But Logan was already asleep, with a smile on his face.

**Author's Note: **I'm putting this at the end of the chapter this time, because this chapter flows from where I left off in the last one, and it just made more sense to me not to interrupt there. So, here begins the "later chapters" this story was rated M for. And, fun fact: this chapter is the first one I wrote, before I even had the whole plot in mind from The Blue Castle (I hadn't read Lucy's book yet when I started writing this way back when). Those of you who know me from my blog know I'm more comfortable writing fluff-and before I wrote this chapter, anything Kogan I had written up until that time, I just sort of implied any sexy times that were going on, and didn't attempt to write it out-all the good stuff would happen "off the page". So finally, after reading lots of other fanfic, I gave myself a stern talking to and made myself take the plunge. I did do some online research, so, even though I'm not sure they'd have all this conversation while erect, according to the interweb anyway, it's entirely possible they could BE erect for 20 minutes or more, as young men in their sexual prime. So, good for them, right? And, yeah, so, I made them 20 year old virgins, but you know what? I'll stick by that in showverse-if I were either one of them and had the other one right at my side my whole life, I wouldn't be interested in having sex with other people either. And if they were both too timid to act on any feelings out of fear of ruining their friendship and the closest bond either of them had with another person on this planet, would you blame them?

Anyway, as always, anything you may recognize isn't mine, and I don't own these characters, but boy if I did...


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note: **Here's what happens next! As always, I don't own these characters, but boy if I did.

Bright and early the next day, Logan walks out of their bedroom after his shower carrying the sheets from both beds. Kendall is at the stove frying bacon, his hair already dry from however long ago he had his shower that Logan slept right through, wearing pj pants and a canvas apron-no shirt. Logan stops in his tracks and just stares at the muscles of Kendall's back. Kendall must sense his presence and he turns around with a smile on his face and asks does Logan want his eggs scrambled or sunny side up?

"Fix them the same way you're having yours, please," Logan says, his eyes big and soft. "Why are you up so early?"

"Cuz my mom left about five million voice mails and wanted to know what was going on," Kendall scoffs.

"Oh! I have to plug my phone back in!" Logan remembers, looking around on the floor by the couch, since that's the last place he vaguely recalls having it. Kendall says he already took care of it.

"I shut the TV off too," he adds with a wink. Neither of them even noticed it was on when the power came back on.

After Logan runs the sheets down to the laundry room, he and Kendall go to sit and have the bacon and eggs and toast Kendall cooked up, and when Kendall sits down without thinking, he hisses and bounces right back up again and sits down more gingerly. Logan feels bad, but Kendall grins at him.

"It's so worth it," he reassures Logan.

"Um, so what did you tell your mom?" Logan asks over Kendall's delicious homemade breakfast.

"That I was missing you too much, which she said she expected and was surprised I made it past one day, and that I got here and you were wonderful," Kendall grinned at Logan, his eyes dancing with happiness.

"Wonderful? You described me as wonderful." Logan said that last sentence one word at a time. "Kendall, moms have like a sixth sense or something…"

"Would you relax? She thought I was just talking about your cold," he said. "Or she just knew how happy being back in your company would make me," he amended with a smile. Logan couldn't help but smile back. That statement would've been true even if they hadn't become lovers last night.

After breakfast, Kendall cleans up while Logan puts fresh sheets on their beds from the linen closet and tries to estimate when he should go throw the other sheets in the dryer.

When he walks back out to the living room, Kendall is on the phone with Carlos. Kendall's saying enough on his end of the conversation that Logan figures out they'll be stuck up on the mountain till the roads get cleared and then Kelly's going send a car for them. Kendall tells them to stay a day after that even, to avoid traffic. Logan puts his hand on Kendall's hip (he's still shirtless and now the apron is off) and licks Kendall on the neck while he's talking to Carlos.

Kendall yells, "LOGAN!" right into the phone and Carlos asks what's that about? Kendall pulls Logan around by his hand so he can't get to his neck and is looking into Logan's eyes as he says to Carlos, "Logan made, uh, hot chocolate-it looks delicious, gotta go, bye" shuts off phone and throws it on couch and attacks Logan with desperate kisses.

Logan tells Kendall he wants Kendall to do what he did to him yesterday. Kendall readily agrees and tells him he'll be seeing stars. Logan gets smug at that and says, "I made you see stars? Really?"

Kendall earnestly answers, "Yes." No kidding around, no teasing. It was the greatest experience of Kendall's life.

When they get to their room, Kendall turns to Logan and looks at him so seriously, Logan's momentarily afraid of what he's going to say.

"So, Logan, um, do you think, that, ah, for this, you might want to be, uh, up on your knees or whatever? So you can sort of, um, back on? To my…to me?"

But Logan says, "No, just like last night, I want to be able to see you while it's happening."

Kendall pretends to be hurt and says, "But your backdimples are such a turn on-maybe THAT'S what I'd want to be looking at?"

"We can try different stuff out later, we have all the time in the world...," but Logan stops himself and his eyes get wide as he realizes what he's saying. Kendall swoops down and kisses him passionately before he can get too sad. They gently help each other get undressed.

On the bed, with Logan laid out beneath him, Kendall pauses for a moment-the first time he saw the Grand Canyon was on a Big Time Rush tour of state fairs with Logan by his side. The first time he saw the Pacific Ocean, and the lights of New York City at night-heck, the first time he saw the world from the top of a ferris wheel when he was eight years old, he had to tear his eyes away from Logan to see any of that. Logan has made everything immeasurably, infinitely, better. Everything Kendall has seen and done, it has meant all the more because this boy was by his side for it.

Logan asks what he's looking at, and Kendall says, "You. I was just thinking of all the places we've been and all the things we got to do together-everything's better with you."

"Thank you, and I feel the same about you," Logan replied, and they kiss and Logan slides his hand down into Kendall's and intertwines their fingers and kind of swirls Kendall's fingers around with his own. "You're making everything tingle, Kendall," he tells him into the kiss. Logan is so relaxed when Kendall is putting his fingers, and then more, inside him, because he just keeps thinking how this is Kendall and he wants him and trusts him and it all just feels good. But, he isn't seeing stars as he's being brought to bliss, he's seeing Kendall's eyes, inches above his own as he clings onto Kendall's broad shoulders, falling deeper and deeper into that shining green that looks like ocean water when it's warm.

Hours later, Logan wakes up and remembers to go dry the sheets in the laundry room.

After the laundry is finally done, since the sun is shining and the news is reporting that roads in the city are safe, they go shopping to replace the baby oil. They also go to the lube aisle, and discuss getting condoms because then it'll be less messy, but Logan wraps an arm around Kendall's waist and shyly admits he likes the feel of Kendall coming inside him,

Kendall can't believe how they're standing in the middle of a drug store, having this conversation. The day before yesterday they were just friends, and now Logan is blushing but still looking him in the eye with open adoration, saying things that make Kendall wish he could lay him down right there and kiss every inch of him. Since that's not an option, Kendall says, "I like how that feels too, so just the lube then," taking a tube off the shelf and then Logan grabs one too. Kendall gives him the eyebrows.

Logan says, "Hey, we'll both be using this, don't want to run out too soon." A shivery thrill runs up Kendall's back.

That night they go to bed early. Now they're both experiencing a bit of new soreness in a tender spot, so it's understood there won't be any hanky panky happening tonight. They strip down to their boxer briefs and crawl into Logan's bed this time. The desk lamp is on again, they just want to look into each other's eyes while they talk-well, again, that's what Logan wants and he guesses if Kendall had an objection, he could have shut off the light. They're just lying face to face looking at each other, Logan sweeping Kendall's bangs back higher and higher on his forehead.

"Do you remember that big fish tank at our school?" Logan asks. "The one with the blue castle in it?"

"Of course."

"And do you remember how there were only two fish in the whole thing, when I first started going there?"

"Of course I do."

"You do?"

"Yeah, I remember how stupid Charlie dumped all the food in and wiped out the whole fish colony, except those two fish that were playing inside the castle."

"I always thought they were kind of like you and me," Logan said, halfway to being asleep from the slow repetitive motion of carding his fingers through Kendall's soft, thick hair.

"I did too," Kendall smiled.

"Really? Did you pick out who was who?"

Kendall nodded.

"You did not," Logan accused. There was no way Kendall remembered those fish with the same sense of importance Logan did. Kendall already had friends when Logan came into his life, but Kendall was the first friend Logan had ever had.

"I was the green one, obviously, because of my eyes," Kendall told him in all seriousness. "You were the blue one, because of his smarts."

"His smarts?" Logan asked.

Kendall chuckled. "Yeah, it became part of my imagined story that he owned the castle, because it was blue like him, and in order to have your own castle, you must have to be really smart-at least I thought that till I met Griffin and Gustavo."

They both laughed, and then talked about other shared memories from their lives, and fell asleep.

The following day they kept busy. They went out and bought groceries and tidied up the apartment and then spent a couple of hours swimming and dunking each other in the pool and lying out in the sun. They had the pool area to themselves, everyone else thought they were nuts to be out there in January but the pool's heated and compared to Minnesota the seventy-two degree air temperature was positively summer-like to them.

Getting into bed that night, Kendall asks Logan how he's feeling. He starts reassuring Kendall that his heart is fine and that swimming was good for him, but Kendall quickly explains he was talking about, er, his other end.

"I'm a day further away from that first time than you, and I'm still, um, kind of tender back there?" Kendall says.

Logan smiles, even starts to laugh a little, but quickly changes it into an, "Awwwww. Yeah, me too. But, like you said, it was so worth it!" he grins.

They strip down to their boxer briefs again and get into bed with the desk lamp burning softly. They prefer being able to see each other when they talk, they certainly don't need darkness for intimacy any more.

Kendall is running his hands all over Logan's skin, something he's been doing all day, taking the sunscreen bottle's instructions to reapply frequently very seriously. Logan's watching him with an affectionate smile on his face.

"My skin tingles everywhere you touch it," he tells Kendall with the softest purr of a voice. "Even when there's just incidental contact between us, it starts to tingle and I can continue to feel it after you've stopped. I love that feeling. But then I crave it so strongly when it wears off."

They kiss and nuzzle and just explore each other all over with their hands for the longest, most enjoyable time, and then Kendall starts to pull off Logan's briefs.

Logan sort of panics at that. "I thought we weren't gonna?"

Kendall smiles at him reassuringly. "I'm only going to make you feel good, Logan. I promise I'll never hurt you."

Logan gives him the most beautiful smile in return, his eyes full of trust. "I believe that," he says.

Kendall gets Logan's underwear off and lifts his penis with a motion that is stroking the underside of it while he's got it in the palm of his hand. When it's out of the way, Kendall ducks down and kisses Logan's balls and tickles them with his tongue. Logan is gasping and getting hard. Kendall grips Logan's cock and is tugging it just right while he continues to give his balls some attention. Then Kendall licks his way up the underside of Logan's penis and that seemed to be a good move, Logan is shouting, "Yes, yes, yes!" and seems to be enjoying anything that Kendall cares to try. He's never done this before and has no idea, really, what he's doing, but he figures since Logan's never had this done to him, no matter what, it'll be the best blow job he's ever gotten. Kendall smiles at that thought and decides to just go for it. Logan grabs two handfuls of Kendall's hair and tugs and moans and tries to keep his hips down on the bed even though the urge to thrust is so great. Kendall's licking and sucking and nibbling a little and using his hand along the parts he can't fit in his mouth and before too long, Logan's trying to pull Kendall's head away.

"Kendall, I'm gonna…"

Kendall just takes Logan in that much further, and Logan can't hold back. Kendall feels the hot sticky substance going down the back of his throat, and some leaks out around his lips, but he decides all the crude locker room comments about swallowing versus spitting don't really matter. He swallows what he can and then wipes off his mouth with a corner of the sheet. It's not his favorite taste in the world, but it's not half bad. He looks up at a panting Logan.

"HOW did you know how to do that?" Logan gasps out.

Kendall just shrugs. "We're both dudes-I figured whatever I imagined would feel good to me, would feel good to you, Logan."

"Good call," Logan said admiringly.

Logan, as usual, falls right off to sleep after climaxing, and Kendall decides he'll take a shower. He hasn't been in there five minutes when the shower curtain is pulled back, and Logan steps into the tub behind him. Kendall tries to turn around, but Logan's got his arms wrapped snugly around Kendall and is pressed up tight against him from behind. "Stay there," Logan tells him. "I wanna try something." Logan rubs his hand across Kendall's chest, gathering up what shower gel and bubbles he can get from there, and then brings his hand around Kendall's front and grasps his cock and starts pumping it, his hand underneath, pulling forward and pushing back. Kendall cranes his neck around as far as he can to look back at Logan.

"I want to kiss you when we're done," Kendall tells him.

"Count on it," Logan replies.

Kendall braces himself with his left hand up against the wall, and places his right hand over Logan's-not to speed it up or slow it down or to guide it in anyway-he just wants the additional physical contact. At all times. Logan is peppering soft kisses against Kendall's back, and adds a little flick from his thumb at the end of each stroke, and Kendall comes with a shout. He finally gets to turn around and kiss Logan, the warm shower spray cascading over them.

They help each other towel off and get back into bed, and another perfect day comes to an end. The next day is spent writing snatches of songs and playing video games and taking turns cooking for each other-Kendall makes the best breakfasts, so that's his job again, Logan whips up some spaghetti and meatballs for lunch, and then Kendall cooks up some chicken for supper and Logan makes a salad.

The clock is ticking down on when everyone will be back, and besides, Kendall wants some. He tells Logan it's been a couple of days, he's not that sore anymore, let's put that lube to good use. When they're in bed, Logan nuzzles his way down Kendall's happy trail with his nose, and Kendall murmurs, "Whadda ya doing?"

Logan answers huskily, "I want to taste you," and works his way all the way down and places Kendall's tip in his mouth, and mmmm's, and when he looks up at Kendall with those big brown eyes, Kendall has to hold himself back from thrusting up his hips and pushing himself into Logan's mouth. Logan, again relying on things he learned reading fan fiction, takes his time and uses his tongue and uses his vocal cords and lips to create vibrations and makes Kendall feel SO good, and by the time Logan is entering him again, all Kendall is feeling is pleasure and desire and now that he sort of knows what to expect, he just relaxes into it and marvels at the feeling of Logan filling him up.

The next morning, Kendall is looking at Logan, well, the back of Logan. He's on his stomach, his arms crossed on the pillow, with his head resting on them, his thick dark hair mussed and wild. Kendall reluctantly but gently covers Logan with the sheet and blanket.

"I'm awake, Kendall," Logan's sleepy voice is muffled, but Kendall can hear the smile in his tone. Kendall pulls the sheet and blanket back down so he can see Logan's back dimples. He kisses Logan's lower back, and asks Logan if he's warm enough, he's covered in goose bumps.

"You caused them," Logan said, smiling down into his arm where his head is resting and scrunching up his shoulders, everything Kendall was doing to him felt so good. Kendall made his way up Logan's back, lightly kissing up his spine and then bestowing soft kisses to each shoulder blade, then nuzzling into the crook of Logan's neck.

Logan rolled over onto his back and put his hands on Kendall's bare shoulders, pulling him down into a kiss. They kissed for a few minutes and Logan said, "This is nice. We haven't ever just made out yet."

Kendall pulled away a bit and looked down at Logan. "What do you mean?"

"We've never just taken the time and kissed. We always wind up…it always leads to…other stuff."

"It doesn't."

"Kendall, first of all, we've only been doing this a few days. Our first kiss was just the other night, and that escalated quickly."

Kendall smiled at the memory, and then thought about all the times since. Logan was right. They couldn't keep their hands off each other.

"What are we gonna do when everybody gets home?" Kendall asked.

"We're going to have to try to be quiet, I guess," Logan said looking up at him with laughter in his dark eyes. But then he got serious, and held one of Kendall's hands in his and rested them together on his chest. "Hey, Kendall?"

"Yes?"

"Can we keep this between us for now, too?"

Kendall's eyebrows came together, he wasn't exactly frowning, but Logan knew him well enough to know he was disappointed by what Logan was saying.

"It's just-it's not so much that I want to keep it FROM everyone, I just want to keep it FOR us, for now," Logan explained quickly. "If we tell them about it, it'll be all they'll want to talk about, and they'll ask us about us, and future plans..."

Kendall could just cry. Once again, Logan's absolutely right, but this is so unfair!

"No, no, you're right, Logan. This is so new, of course we should treasure it to ourselves for a while longer," Kendall says, trying to keep the conversation away from thinking about the future they don't get to have. Kendall once again tells himself to only live in the moment-that's all anyone ever really gets to have. "Um, you want to try that making out thing you were talking about?"

"Actually, if you wouldn't mind, I'd very much like to be inside you again," Logan said, his eyes dark and heavy-lidded. They both were so careful to never say "make love" because of Logan's feelings on the subject of loving someone just to lose them, but they knew what they had was more than just sex. Logan wanted to convey to Kendall somehow that his desire for him was special. Kendall was delighted to learn that, unlike the first time, he didn't need to wait before doing it again.

The guys and Knights get back and the boys find precious little time to be alone together, but they manage. Being quiet's no fun, though.

One day after a full day rehearsing choreography, they're back at 2J and Kendall's already lying on the couch and James and Carlos are sitting on the other arm of it, facing the TV, watching a hockey game. Logan comes in and sits in the corner where the two couches meet, Kendall sitting up to make a spot for him. Logan starts massaging Kendall's shoulders and he just hangs his head down and lets him. James glances over and asks what he's doing.

Logan says, "Kendall worked hard at practice."

To which James says, "So did you," but just goes back to watching the game.

Logan finds a knot in Kendall's shoulder and works it out with strong fingers, and Kendall moans loudly, just like he did in the bedroom before everyone came home.

Carlos says, "Get a room," and Kendall says he's gonna do just that, and stands up and looks at Logan with raised brows.

"I want to see more of the game, I'll be down at the end of the period," Logan tells him.

"It's on DVR, you can watch it anytime," Kendall tells him, but Logan looks down at his lap significantly, and Kendall finally gets it and says he'll see him "in the morning" so exaggeratedly Logan is sure the other two are gonna catch on.

But they don't.


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's Note: **Well here it is, the penultimate chapter. **Mild trigger warning: **there is mention of a suicidal thought in this chapter. And as always, I don't own these characters, but boy if I did! And, I feel a bit funny just coming out and stating this, but, I really enjoy when people comment on what I've written, so please, feel free to leave a comment/review/question/criticism/whatever you're feeling! I'd like to say hello to veryjaneere, and thanks for reading! And of course Aimee and Kitty and everyone else who's been reading along

**UPDATE: **veryjaneeyre pointed out to me that I had some tense discrepancies going on in Chapters 6 & 7, so I've edited them slightly. I might have still missed some spots (and I haven't gone over the earlier chapters to see if I was doing it in those, but I wouldn't be surprised if they could use a brush up as well), but one thing I deliberately left was Kendall referring to Logan's sunsets in the past tense, because in Kendall's mind, that's how he's already thinking about things when it comes to Logan: as a part of the past and almost lost

Once everyone's back from vacation, it's time to get back to a serious work schedule, and after a couple weeks in the studio, the boys are going to shoot a music video. They get driven out to a location in the middle of nowhere in a stretch limo with Gustavo and Kelly and Griffin. A production crew follows with equipment in a van.

When putting on the high tops the wardrobe guy wants Logan to wear, the lace breaks and Carlos says he's got skate laces in his bag. Someone asks why he carries around skate laces, but the other BTR guys shrug it off-he always has his helmet, why WOULDN'T he have laces? Logan quickly unlaces and relaces the high top, years of hockey games trained his fingers to do that when they were stiff with cold. Muscle memory kicks in and he's got the shoe laced and tied before the wardrobe guy can find a pair of scissors to cut off the excess length. Logan tells him not to bother and just triple knots the bow. Kendall tells him the big floppy lace looks hip hop, perfect for the era Griffin is trying to recreate.

For some idiotic reason Griffin wanted them to make a homage to Stand By Me, a movie made before they were born and that came out way before their target tween audience was around, so they're shooting on railroad tracks that are supposed to be offline for the day. But it's been dry in the weeks since that soaking rainstorm in southern California and take after take of the boys walking down the tracks are being ruined by all the dust that's kicked up. Gustavo yells to one of the production people to just pour water on the tracks to keep the dust down. There's no water source to be had, so Gustavo tells him to use the bottled water they lugged out there for the shoot. Kelly tries to protest, and the guys know there won't be enough water in those little bottles to make much of a difference, but there's no talking Gustavo out of it, and then Griffin says it's a good idea, cheaper than paying the crew to stand around while someone drives into the nearest town for water, and their only source of hydration is foolishly wasted on the dusty trail.

The day wears on and everyone's getting cranky and dehydrated. They're losing daylight and finally the director tells Griffin they only have time to set up one more shot before the late afternoon sun will just cause glare in the camera, and with all the dust that keeps rising, he's not even sure it's worth it. Griffin tells him to just shoot two of the boys, at least that way they'll get half the dust to deal with. The director looks over all the boys, and says for contrast, he'll use a short one and a tall one. And also the blond with one of the brunets. Logan's feeling like absolute shit by this point-he felt the loss of the water first-but he realizes this could very well be the last video he appears in, and he'll be damned if someone else is walking by Kendall's side in it. He jumps right up and volunteers, not that Carlos was eager to do it. He and James slump gratefully onto the canvas chairs set up far from the railroad tracks and watch Kendall and Logan walk to another piece of track that the director hopes is less dusty since they haven't been trudging back and forth in that area.

The director puts them on a starting mark, and asks them just to keep walking forward (the camera's on a dolly rolling backwards before them, just as it's been doing all day) and follow the track when it curves off to the side, instead of staying on the straight track. He tells them to keep their heads down and look at their feet, not each other-a bit of direction they had been ignoring all day. The director yells "Action!" and they start to walk along for a bit. They're just getting to the where the second track curves away from the straight track and Kendall hears a metallic "clang" and suddenly senses Logan is not next to him any longer. He stops and looks back, and Logan's trying to move his leg closest to the rail on his side, but it seems stuck. Kendall walks back and sees the floppy lace is caught in between two massive pieces of metal where the two tracks begin to diverge.

"Kendall, it's a switch, it just went off and clamped onto the lace there, but if the trains aren't running here, it shouldn't have…"

Just then the camera guy, who is facing the boys and the track behind them screams, "SHIT!" and everyone looks up and sees that there's a train on the straight part of the track, heading towards them at a fast rate of speed.

The crew, not realizing Logan is stuck, rushes over to get the dolly off the tracks. Kendall drops to his knees and tries to pull Logan's foot free, but he's caught like a bear in a trap. The train is barreling towards them, and Kendall is trying to undo the triple knot in Logan's shoelace. Logan is screaming at Kendall to get away, to save himself, but Kendall won't listen. Logan can hear the train coming closer and closer, can feel it in the ties on the track they're standing on, and finally he has to look, he tears his terrified eyes away from looking at Kendall's head bent down in front of him and his heart stops. The train is so close Logan can clearly read all the numbers printed across its front, and he closes his eyes but opens them again to take one last look at Kendall.

At just that instant, Kendall wrenches Logan's foot with all his might, breaking the skate lace and finally pulling Logan clear of the tracks. They fall down hard on the grass on the opposite side of the tracks from where all the crew and the rest of the people are. Kendall's lying on top of Logan as the train thunders past, both of them struggling to breathe as the train throws up cinders and dirt and dust. Logan just knows Kendall can feel his heart pounding against Kendall's ribcage-Logan can feel Kendall's. Kendall is staring into Logan's eyes, his own pupils blown wide and practically obliterating the irises, making his eyes look almost as dark as Logan's own. Logan has never seen him like this-it's not passion in those beloved eyes right now, Logan can tell that much. It must be rage.

The last few cars of the train roar past, then Kendall pushes himself off Logan and gets up and storms off without saying a word to Logan, gets into the Rocque Records van that brought the crew to the shoot and takes off-speaking to no one and leaving everyone else to catch a lift home in Griffin's limo. Plus Gustavo has to get another van out there to pick up the equipment, but Kendall doesn't think of that.

Logan is silent the whole ride home in the crowded limo, thinking things over. He knows Kendall is super pissed at him because he figured out what Logan figured out when his heart stopped again, when he saw that train bearing down on them: since he DIDN'T die, but he was supposed to, he's probably not going to die as soon as anyone thought. Kendall probably hates him now for everything they've gone through together these past few months and Kendall wouldn't have had sex with Logan had he known he'd still have to face him and deal with him the rest of his life. He only had sex with him out of pity, so he wouldn't die a virgin. Logan figures he'll never be able to face Kendall again, and that Kendall probably thinks Logan purposely deceived him and tricked him. Such are the morose thoughts running through Logan's head the whole uncomfortable ride back. He should be thrilled that he's probably not dying, but all he can see is the black anger in Kendall's eyes, and his mind keeps whispering more and more reasons why that look was there into Logan's thoughts.

By the time they get back to the Palmwoods, Logan's dehydrated and carsick from the back of the limo and he barely rinses off in the shower and then falls into bed. He's so exhausted from the day's chaos that he doesn't even bother to wonder where Kendall is before basically blacking out into a dreamless sleep.

Kendall, when he left the location, had no idea where he was going, he just knew he had to get away from everyone, from everything, from what just happened. He drove faster than he should have, and just drove and drove for a while. A car horn blaring at him when he ran a red light finally brings him a bit more back to his senses and he pulls into the next parking lot he comes to. It's for a rundown little strip mall, with a liquor store on the end. He checks his back pockets and luckily his phone and his wallet are still there-he had automatically put them into the pants he changed into for the video shoot, and they hadn't flown out when he jumped out of the way of the oncoming train. He goes in to the store and pays an exorbitant amount for a six pack of spring water, gets back in the van and starts chugging the water furiously, but at least his driving has slowed down.

He drives himself up into the canyons around Los Angeles and when he comes to a scenic overlook he pulls the van over and gets out. The sun is truly setting now, the sky is ablaze with color: purple and pink and orange and blue. Logan loved sunsets, loved taking pictures of them, has a whole fucking folder of sunset pictures on his laptop…

Kendall finally breaks down and starts to cry. And cry and cry and cry. Racking ugly sobs that send the day's dust and grime and video shoot make up streaking down his cheeks and onto his shirt.

Kendall ran away from the video location because it hit him how close he came to losing Logan, and now he doesn't know how he'll survive that when it does happen. Standing there overlooking the canyon he finally allows himself to realize how close he came to letting the train kill HIM, and he would've if it wouldn't have meant Logan would have been killed by it too. His whole life, even when he lost his father, he had never had a suicidal thought so much as flit through his head. But in that moment, when the train was hurtling towards them, he thought about it. Thought how much easier everything would be for him if he didn't have to watch Logan die, if he didn't have to let Logan go soon.

He realizes as he looks down the side of the canyon that the impulse to end it has left him. He could never do that to Logan-leave him like Logan's about to leave him, like his father left him when Kendall was eight. That look Logan saw in Kendall's eyes wasn't anger, it was fear. Logan didn't recognize it as such because that's never been there before.

Kendall has probably cried out any of the moisture the bottles of water he drank provided him with, because his tears dry up and he can't cry anymore right now, even though he feels like he wants to. He rubs the back of his hand across his eyes and it comes away all grimy. The last thing he wants to do is go home and face everyone, so he drives to the only place he can think of.

He rings Gustavo's doorbell and sheepishly looks down at his feet when the producer opens the door.

"Uh, hi, Gustavo…look, I'm real sorry about taking off, and taking the van, and, uh, I'll find a way to pay for whatever it costs, me disrupting everything like that…"

Gustavo takes in Kendall's broken, disheveled look, the streaks of dried dirt and mud and make up on his designer plain white Tshirt the wardrobe guy had put him in. Gustavo has no idea what got Kendall so upset, but he knows that in all the years working with this young man, he's never looked how he looks now: defeated.

"Stop right there, Kendall," Gustavo tells him, holding up a hand when it appears Kendall's about to try to apologize for something else. "Already had a call from Griffin. The railway company's lawyers have made him a sweet settlement offer to avoid a gross negligence claim. They're giving him money that will cover the cost of today, plus enough to shoot the complete video three times over with Martin Scorsese directing. Everything's okay, kid."

Kendall slumps against the doorframe, but Gustavo can tell he's still not feeling better about…something.

"Kendall, is there anything I could do for you? Anything you want, just name it."

"Could I maybe…uh, stay here for tonight?" Kendall asks.

Gustavo blinks in surprise. He's never really thought about it, but the last thing he'd ever expect would be for Kendall Knight to spend time away from his friends. Clearly something's going on, but Gustavo figures if Kendall wanted him to know what it was, he'd tell him.

"Of course!" Gustavo booms, probably a little too loudly. "Upstairs, third door on the left-best guest room in the house. Um, there's towels and robes and anything you'd need. You want me to order in some dinner? Some Chinese or a pizza?"

"No thanks, Gustavo. I think I'll just shower off and then get to bed. Thanks a lot, you have no idea how much this means to me."

"Well, sure," Gustavo said, stepping aside to allow Kendall in and giving his back an awkward pat as he walked by.

Kendall calls his mom and says he's staying the night there, Gustavo said it'd be okay. She's just so relieved he's finally called-the other guys have been home for hours and James and Carlos told her all they knew, which wasn't much, and she's been frantic waiting to hear from her son. All her calls were going straight to voicemail, her texts were unanswered. She figures he obviously needs space for whatever reason, so she'll give it to him rather than pepper him with questions. She merely tells him to be sure to call in the morning, and then tells him goodnight and bites her lip in worry when he doesn't respond, he just disconnects the call.

Kendall gets into the huge walk-in shower, turns the water on full blast, slides his back down one of the walls into a sitting position with his knees pulled up in front of him and cries some more. It's killing him he can't tell Logan that he loves him, but Logan's been adamant about that-he doesn't want anyone loving him and Kendall figures that's because it'll hurt Logan too much to have to let them go. He knows life won't be worth living without Logan, but he thinks he's going to have to, and soon. He remembers the two days they spent at the elite hospital Dr. Chowdray had Logan go to for all his tests-it seems so long ago, because so much has happened since then, but it's only been a few months.

Logan looked impossibly small and pale, just like he had on the first day they met. They had him put on one of those hospital gowns and those socks with rubber treads glued to the bottom so you don't slip on the floors. Kendall and Logan went from waiting area to machines to treadmills to hospital bed as the nurses and technicians and even the doctor himself put Logan through innumerable tests and pokings and proddings. Kendall thought he was in everyone's way, but he needn't have worried, the medical professionals were grateful for his presence. He obviously had a calming effect on the other young man, and the two looked at each other with such caring and concern that everyone there knew they belonged together. Logan was uncomplaining and brave no matter what they had to do to him, because his friend was right there, and they were being strong for each other.

Kendall had no way of knowing everyone else was feeling all that, of course. All he knew was Logan had all these needles jabbed into him, and had monitors stuck onto him with those little white circles at the end of wires, and that everyone seemed so serious every step of the way. All he could do was stay out of everyone's space but stick as close to Logan as possible, and hold his hand and rub his shoulder when he could get close enough.

Kendall finally notices he's shivering, and that all his skin has turned pruney. He slowly stands up and makes a half hearted attempt to soap up his body and wash his hair. He gets out of the shower and wraps himself in the big cotton robe with the Rocque Records logo embroidered on the back. He falls into bed in the spacious guest room and stares at the ceiling for a few hours, but never goes to sleep.

At two in the morning, he goes back to 2J (he made a brief attempt to find a paper and pen at Gustavo's and leave him a note letting him know he was taking the van again, but settled for sending him a text). He has to rouse Bitters out of bed because his clothes and his keys were left at the video shoot, Kendall assumes they were brought back to the record studio by the wardrobe guy, but he doesn't even really care. Any protests Bitters might have made die on his lips when he, like Gustavo hours before, takes in the very "un-Kendall" way he looks. Kendall had put his dirty clothes from the video back on when he got up in the middle of the night, and he looks like he's been fighting off coyotes, in Bitters' assessment.

Kendall quietly lets himself into their bedroom and strips off all his dirty clothes and gets into bed naked behind Logan and holds him tight and says how he had promised him he'd never spend a night alone, and he's so sorry he broke that promise and wasted some of their time together by running off. Logan rolls over so he can face Kendall and just kisses him and kisses him and tells him it's all right, that everything will be all right.

Kendall starts to cry again, quietly with big tears spilling out of his scared eyes, and he breaks down and admits to Logan, "I only split because I was so afraid of losing you. I don't know how I'll survive it when I do lose you-you came to me and pulled me through losing my dad, but there will be no one to do that when you're gone. I hate myself for being so selfish, Logan, I know you have the hard part to play in all this, but I can't help it. I need you, to make things all right."

Logan doesn't want to get his hopes up, but he can't stand to see Kendall so hurt, so he tells him about the night Kendall came back from the mountain, and how it felt like his heart stopped then and he was fine when it started back up again. And now not dying on the tracks is making him think maybe the diagnosis could be incorrect.

"Kendall, maybe we have more time than we thought."


	7. Chapter 7

That morning, Logan waits for it to be late enough for the doctor's office to be open and calls to make an appointment. Dr. Chowdray has returned from India and clears a spot on his calendar that very day to see Logan, he's been concerned that there didn't seem to be any follow up in the months he was away.

Kendall and Logan go to the office and are seated across from the doctor's desk, rather than going to the examining room, but the doctor listens to Logan's heart and beams at him, clasping his shoulder when he's done and booming out the words, "Excellent, excellent." He's clearly in a very good mood.

"So, Mr. Mitchell, I tried to follow your case with my colleagues, but none of them saw you as a patient-did you find a doctor on your own?" Dr. Chowdray asked, as he returned to his side of the desk and settled into his chair.

"No, sir. I , uh, I knew I had already been seen by the best, and that nothing further could be done," Logan began. The doctor frowned at this.

"Done? What needed to be done, other than monitor you?" Dr. Chowdray asked. Kendall rankled at that attitude.

"How can you be so casual about Logan being incurable?" he pretty much shouted, jumping out of his chair and looming over the desk.

"Incurable? Well, I guess that's one way to put it, since there is no treatment at this time," the doctor said, "although I never would. Mr. Mitchell is merely waiting to outgrow his heart issue, once he's fully mature, when he turns twenty-five. And, as I said in the letter, even if your arrhythmia doesn't correct itself by then, there are treatments and options we can apply then, if necessary."

Logan and Kendall were staring at the doctor in complete wonder. He began to realize everything he had just said truly was news to them.

Logan mutely hands over a folded up piece of paper. The doctor takes it and begins reading, a look of great consternation taking over his features. He hits the intercom button on his phone and asks his office manager to come in immediately.

"Janice, have you any idea how Mr. Mitchell here received a letter meant for Hortense Mitchel?" The secretary was reading the letter over as well, and then stood in thought for a moment.

"As you wrote here, Doctor, this was the day of your son's accident. I recall you wrote a few letters on your laptop on your way to the airport and on the plane. You wouldn't have had the patients' ID numbers with you, nor had access to them from a wireless connection. I assume when you forwarded your letters on to me, the computer looked up the patient by name to get their number, and assigned the wrong one to Ms. Mitchel's letter, and Mr. Logan Mitchell got it by mistake. One of the secretaries would've typed the envelope working from the list of names you emailed back to the office, and put Mr. Mitchell's address on that. I'm terribly sorry," she concluded, turning to Logan.

"If you could please confirm that Ms. Mitchel received a copy of this letter as well, since it was intended for her?" Dr. Chowdray asked politely. "I've already spoken to Dr. Peterson, I know she followed up with her after I left, but I'll feel better knowing she didn't get a letter telling her everything would be fine once she was twenty-five, since she had already passed that milestone in her life years ago."

Janice returns in a few moments and confirms that the other Hortense Mitchel got her correct letter, a copy of the same one Logan had. The doctor then asks why Logan didn't follow the advice and see one of his colleagues, and Logan explains how they all trained under him, plus how the letter said nothing could be done for that condition.

"Well, Logan, I'm very glad to give you your correct diagnosis now, and I apologize profusely that it's been delayed in coming." The doctor then spent a good twenty minutes explaining Logan's condition, and reassuring him over and over that the tests were thorough and that he will continue to monitor Logan, but that he has every expectation that by the time Logan turns twenty-five years of age, his heart arrhythmia will have been outgrown, all indications were that this process was already well under way.

"And, he's not dying; he's not going to die on me?" Kendall had stayed quiet as long as he could, but this was all too good to be true. He had to be sure.

Dr. Chowdray turned a beaming smile on Kendall. "You may believe your ears, my young friend. Mr. Mitchell is healthy and strong. He has one minor wrinkle to outgrow, and he will be perfect in a matter of a few short years."

Kendall's eyes were filled with tears. "Thank you," he chokes out, so quietly he wasn't sure the doctor heard him.

But the doctor had, he himself had been in the same state of mind Kendall found himself in now when the surgeon who had saved his son's life in India came out of the operating room and told him similar good news.

"You are very welcome. And, Mr. Mitchell, again, I cannot apologize enough for my oversight. I cannot imagine the anguish you must have been suffering these past months."

Logan glances over at Kendall who is grinning broadly, while a slow grin breaks out across Logan's face. Sure, there had been some bad moments, but that misdiagnosis led them to such wonderful things.

"It wasn't you, it was your computer. Things happen, it's okay," Logan said, and then turned his eyes back to Kendall. The doctor set up Logan's next appointment himself, letting Janice know he wanted to see Logan a year from the date of his last exam.

"That's all we'll need, to monitor you yearly. But of course, if ever you feel the need to be seen, do not hesitate to call. We'll always be here for you." The doctor shared another look with Kendall, he knew from the start Kendall was the person who was always there for Logan.

Outside the office, Logan just stops and wraps his arms around Kendall and holds him without saying a word. Kendall feels Logan's heart beating steady and strong against his own ribcage and is just so thankful he wants to burst.

An idea starts to flower in Kendall's mind, and he asks Logan if he's up to going to the beach.

They go to 2J to change and grab towels and a nerf football and sunscreen and such, and Kendall acts a teeny bit mysterious and asks Logan if he can just meet him down at the car in a few minutes, he wants to talk to his mom. Kendall comes out less than ten minutes later and throws something in the backseat with a bleach blanket over it.

They get to the beach and have the place almost completely to themselves. It's late in the day, the sun is rapidly sinking far out in the water, and all the sun worshipers and families with little kids have already packed up and gone home; there are just a few surfers and people fishing far down the shore.

Kendall spreads out the blanket he brought from the car after loading Logan up with all the towels and sweatshirts and the football and deciding they don't need the sunscreen after all. He made sure Logan was already walking away from the car before grabbing the blanket, since that exposed what was beneath it. He threw that in the trunk and caught Logan up.

In the warm misty twilight, the sky a magical color between the palest of blues and pearl, Kendall faces Logan on the beach blanket, and takes his both his hands in his. They're face to face on their knees, a soft breeze blowing in with the waves, gently ruffling their hair.

"Logan, the first time I say this, I thought I had to say it romantically and poetically, that it has to be memorable and special-that's why I brought you down to the beach. And now that we're here, I realize I just want to say it simply and honestly. I love you."

Logan breaks into one of his slow smiles, his eyes lighting up and his face blooming into a picture of delight. Kendall's heart skipped a beat. That smile is something he's going to get to enjoy for decades to come now.

"I love you too. I'm pretty sure I've loved you since the day I met you, and I've been in love with you for I don't know how long, but I'm glad I finally had to figure it out before it was too late," Logan tells him. They pull each other's hands out to the sides so they won't be squished in between them and lean in and kiss each other.

Kendall jumps up, still holding on to Logan's hands. He pulls Logan down to the water's edge, both of them stumbling and laughing, and they scream "I love you!"over the sound of the crashing waves-they're just giddy with the fact they can finally say it, and they want to yell it to the world, to the universe. They dive into the waves and let the ocean toss them around, riding waves into the shallows, grabbing each other's hands and running back out to do it again and again. They kiss and splash and laugh and tell each other he's loved and taste the seawater running down each other's faces when they kiss again. The water feels as warm as the air, and when they get out they take turns toweling each other off vigorously and take great joy zipping each other into their hoodies.

When it's time to leave, instead of driving home, Kendall pulls into a seaside hotel. Logan asks him what's going on and Kendall says he got them a room for the night.

"What did you tell your mom?" Logan asks him.

"Just that I wanted some time with you by myself, and that we'd be spending the night at this hotel."

Logan is just about to ask in what universe she'd be fine with no further explanation than that, and then he decides it doesn't even matter. He's never going to take another minute he can spend with Kendall for granted, or do or say anything to put "Kendall time" in jeopardy.

Kendall pops the trunk and pulls out the hastily packed bag he had thrown in there and they go in and Kendall tells the desk clerk they have a reservation, and is given a keycard to their room, which overlooks the ocean and has a balcony. They race each other up the one flight of stairs like kids and Logan snatches the keycard and gets the door open in record time. Kendall throws the bag on the bed while Logan opens the doors to the balcony and it's warm and an ocean breeze is blowing the curtains in and they can hear the susurration of the waves-it sounds like lovers whispering across the span of a pillow, and it's perfect and beautiful and Logan loves Kendall so much for doing all this and for being Kendall, and Kendall loves Logan so much too.

"Restaurant or room service?" Kendall asks with a happy grin. Logan chooses room service, and they decide to get T-bone steaks and baked potatoes and salad. Kendall places the order while Logan showers.

Logan comes out of the bathroom in sweatpants and Kendall is immediately turned on.

"You wore those the first night we got together," Kendall says huskily, his eyes half lidded and his voice full of lust.

Logan looks down at his comfy grey sweats and wonders what's the big deal. "I've worn sweats since," he tells Kendall in a practical if somewhat puzzled voice.

"Well, tonight we're going to 'make love'…for the first time…, in a way, and it's appropriate you're wearing sweats for that again," Kendall tells him. Logan looks down at his pants again, and then up at Kendall through his eyelashes, while biting down on his bottom lip. Kendall wishes they had put off dinner till later.

To get his mind off of things, he jumps into the shower. Logan answers the door while Kendall is still showering, and the hotel dude asks if he wants it set up on the balcony and Logan says yes, and the guy goes out and pulls out four battery operated candles from under the cart, and sets them up on the table, and then shows Logan how there's track lighting above, or sconces on the walls that give a flickering light-more romantic. Logan's finally thrilled_ he_ can make things romantic, Kendall's done so much already.

After they eat the steaks (and tease each other like they have ever since they were little kids because Logan likes his "raw"-actually medium rare, and Kendall likes his "burnt"-well done), Kendall uncovers the dessert and it's fresh strawberries and chocolate mousse, and he dips one through the mousse and hand feeds it to Logan. Logan feels a bit foolish, but then he does it for Kendall and sees the appeal, then they feed each other one at the same time, and then Kendall runs his finger through the mousse without a strawberry and Logan says he just wants more berries for himself, but then licks it off in a most enjoyable and thorough manner, and now all Kendall wants is to get to bed. While Kendall puts the cart out in the hall, Logan sets up the candles in the room for atmosphere.

Kendall makes sure to put the Do Not Disturb sign on the outside doorknob and then locks the door and shuts off the overheard lights. There's just enough illumination from the faux candlelight to flicker and burn in the depths of Logan's dark eyes. Logan tells Kendall he can get the backdimples tonight.

Kendall bounds across the room in about three giant steps, he's totally turned on. Logan laughs at him and turns his back to Kendall just as he gets to him. Kendall places his hands on Logan's hips and kisses the dimples and dips his tongue in them and practically rips the sweatpants off of Logan. Kendall's out of his own shorts he had thrown on for dinner before Logan even realizes it. Kendall tosses a tube of lube onto the bed near them and then cups Logan's ass with both hands and even gives that some kisses. He impatiently grabs the lube off the bed and tells Logan to crawl on up there. Logan smiles and does as Kendall commands, and soon Kendall's working him loose with his fingers, one, two, three. Kendall's already hard, he feels like he has been since Logan walked out of the steamy shower tugging on the string of those grey sweats, and Logan is letting him know he's ready by the way he's pushing back onto Kendall's fingers and moaning his name. After months of stress and worrying about losing Logan, and always having to hold himself back from telling Logan he loves him, Kendall lets loose of all his inhibitions and he just goes for it, giving it to Logan and really loving the feel of pounding up against his hard butt, but then in the throes of it all, when they're both saying I love you I love you I love you, Kendall pulls out and Logan complains and Kendall tells him to roll over-he has to see him when they do this. Logan obliges and pulls Kendall back into him (he's loving this new, rawer side of Kendall), and Kendall is kissing Logan's open mouth and they're both saying "I love you" over and over. Kendall wants to be sure Logan comes first, but it's a split second between feeling the warm stickiness of Logan starting to spurt onto his hand and Logan's voice roughly whispering, "Come for me, baby," right in his ear and Kendall feels his own orgasm flow from him and into Logan. They ride through their orgasms together, and when it's over, Kendall flops down face first onto the bed next to Logan. Logan's turned his head to face him and they both lie there grinning and panting.

"You know," Kendall begins, somewhat shyly, "the first time we did this, when I came, I almost said I love you."

"Hmm? Why didn't you?" Logan asks, brushing Kendall's sweaty hair off his brow while moving just as few muscles as were strictly necessary to accomplish the job.

"You said you didn't want anyone loving you just to lose you," Kendall answers honestly.

Logan furrows his brow at that. "Did I? I couldn't have meant you-I'd never have meant you."

"Why didn't you ever say it to me?" Kendall asks.

"Well, before, when we were 'just' friends, it was always just there, wasn't it? I never questioned it, never doubted it. And then, after we weren't just friends anymore, any time I thought I should tell you I thought about how it would be giving it to you just to take it away, when I went…like..."

"Like my dad?" Kendall finishes for him, he can see the thought of it still upsets Logan.

Logan nods, and bites his lip. "I guess I hoped you just knew anyway," he whispers.

"Oh, I did. You showed me in every way possible." Kendall's smile lights up the night. "I love you, Logan."

"I love you too."

The next day they check out of the hotel, find a funky little diner by the beach and eat a huge breakfast in their swimtrunks and hoodies, and then head back onto the shore for some beach fun. This time they do utilize the sunscreen, getting a lot of pleasure from slathering it all over each other and rubbing it in well. Not an inch of skin is missed or left exposed to the sun's harmful rays.

They get back to the apartment just in time for lunch (Mama Knight's famous homemade-by Whole Foods-chicken salad on wheat bread), which is good timing as they are ravenous. Kendall sits right down at the table and starts making himself a sandwich, but Logan grabs some bread and walks it over to the toaster. When the toast pops, Logan sits down next to Kendall and he also has a bowl of watermelon cut into cubes with him.

"I didn't know there was watermelon," Kendall says.

"Would you like some?" Logan asks and Kendall nods. Logan puts a piece into Kendall's mouth, and when Kendall bites into it, a little juice runs down his chin, Logan gently swipes it up with his thumb and sticks his thumb into Kendall's mouth without even thinking how everyone's there. Kendall sucks the thumb right into his mouth, licks off the juice and Logan pulls his thumb back out with a pop.

Everyone is silent for a moment, and Logan says, "Um, yeah, so, we're together. Together together now." No one says anything, just goes back to eating.

"Aren't you going to say anything?" Kendall asks. Mama Knight and Katie just smile, little secret smiles like they've known all along, Carlos shrugs, and James says how the two of them have always been closer than any two people any of them have ever seen.

"We all just knew it was a matter of time. If it wasn't going on now, it'd being going on inevitably, at some point," James concludes.

The afternoon passes swiftly. They had decided at the diner that morning that Logan would call and tell his parents that he and Kendall are in love. Kendall was all for flying up to Minnesota and telling them together and in person, but Logan thinks they'd actually appreciate the distance and some time to get used to the idea. He's also going to tell them about his heart arrhythmia, but he and Kendall decide no one but the two of them needs to know about the misdiagnosis. It's a moot point now and he doesn't want any of the family hurt and worried after the fact. And they both would rather avoid the parental lectures on keeping things from their respective parents, and they agree they'd never keep anything that big from them again. The important thing here was they didn't keep it from each other, although they did let it keep them from expressing their love ("in words, anyway," Kendall says with a grin), so they figure lesson learned: they'll talk to their parents about major things from here on out. They also needed to tell Kendall's mom, but Logan took care of the announcing they're a couple unexpectedly at lunch, and the later private conversation about Logan's health fills in a lot of the questions she's had over Kendall's recent behavior. She knows how worried Kendall would be over the slightest risk to Logan's well-being. It never even occurs to her that her boys were in the throes of a potential catastrophe, she thinks Kendall would worry that much over Logan spraining an ankle, and she's not too far off in that assumption.

That night they get into Logan's bed. At the diner they had also discussed getting one bigger bed for the room, but decided they liked cuddling together on one of the twin beds for now. Maybe what they'd think of is moving to a place of their own and getting a bigger bed for there, maybe when they turn twenty-one. They're still getting used to the idea that they could dream about the future.

So for now, it's like it's been since they were kids, shutting out the lights and talking about whatever they want to share. The lights are completely off tonight because the moon is full and the blinds are half open to let in the glow.

They're facing each other and holding hands like arm wrestling except their fingers are laced together, just staring at each other, when Kendall begins to speak. "You always made me think of moonlight. I think the first really romantic thought I ever had was when I saw you waiting in the moonlight one night when my mom and me drove to pick you up outside the library when we were in junior high. You were looking up at the sky and hadn't heard us drive up, and your skin just glowed like it was taking in the light from the moon. It took my breath away."

Logan broke into a smile while Kendall was talking, and even in the cold blue glow of the moon, Kendall could see the blush creep up on Logan's cheeks.

"You've always made me think of sunlight, Kendall. Even on the coldest, darkest winter days up in Minnesota, or now that we're here, whether it's day or night, if we're not together and I try to picture you it's always in sunlight, and you're always smiling" Now it was Kendall's turn to blush. He bestows a soft kiss on Logan's lips.

"Once I noticed you in the moonlight, for a while there, I became obsessed with your lips," Kendall tells him, lightly tracing Logan's lips with his finger. "They always looked like a strawberry, and even when we were kids I wanted to know if they tasted like one. And then from about the time we were thirteen I wondered what it would taste like to kiss you."

"I wish you had, back then. Think of all the time we could've been together," Logan says.

"Dude, none of us had even had a girlfriend then, not even James-I really didn't think you'd be into it if I told you I wanted to kiss you," Kendall chides him, feeling a little defensive. Logan was there back then too, he could've made a move if he had the guts to. Maybe if they had started kissing when they were in their teens, they would've gotten in some of that making out they still haven't managed to do. Any time they've had enough privacy for kissing, it's always led to so much more. Their love is too strong for them to resist.

Almost as if he read that last unspoken thought (and maybe with these two, that's exactly what he could do), Logan says, "I've never not loved you, and could never imagine loving anyone else. I guess that's why I never did."

"Same," Kendall grins, then gets serious and looks Logan right in the eye. "After my dad died, I wasn't going to love anyone, no one was going to hurt me like his leaving me did again-but then with you I couldn't help it. I think I started falling in love with you the first time we met."

They both smile a little, remembering those two scared little boys they were, finding each other right when they were each needing someone.

But now it's time for these nearly full grown men to start appreciating what's right in front of them. Kendall takes his free hand and runs it over Logan's shoulder and squeezes his bicep.

"I like how soft your skin is over these hard muscles," he says in a low voice.

Logan runs his free hand over Kendall's hip, letting the side of his hand rub against the cut of the pelvic bone. "I like your soft skin over your sharp bones," he whispers back.

"Your hair is another very soft thing I like very much," Kendall tells him, running his fingers through Logan's silky dark hair.

"This is soft, and squishy," Logan says, poking Kendall's nose gently with his forefinger.

"Hey, leave my big nose out of this, you know I've always been self-conscious about that."

Logan kisses the tip of his nose softly. "I've always loved and admired it."

Kendall kisses Logan's earlobe. "This is soft too," he murmurs right into Logan's ear.

"You know what's velvety soft?" Logan asks, grasping on to what he's thinking about, and feeling it start to get hard just at his touch.

Kendall's eyes get really wide and now there's only one thing in all the world that he wants.

"Make love to me," Kendall says.

"I think I can do that for you," Logan answers.

**Author's Note**: So, that's it! I hope you liked it. And I hope, like me, when you get to the end of a story like this, you go back and read it from the beginning to see if you can pick up on some things. Like the last line of the first and last chapters, for instance. And I'm sure lots of you will have picked up on the real life references and allusions in this chapter- the beach date diner is utilized, Katie's smile when Logan announces they're together is based on that Ustream that Ciara did when she said, "Kogan," a reference to the opening lines of Untouchable, a quote from Paralyzed…As for what I got from The Blue Castle by Lucy Montgomery-she had the fatal diagnosis in a letter going to the wrong person with a slightly different spelling to her name after the doctor got word his son was injured, and she had the moment at the train tracks where the lead character's foot got caught. She didn't have the slash, though. (Her character did find love too.)

And, I'm sure anyone who's read my other stuff on Tumblr is not surprised at all that I could not kill Logan off, not even fictionally. I love him too much, I love Kendall (and his love for Logan) too much, I couldn't do that to either of them. I want to thank everyone for reading, I'd especially like to thank anyone who reviewed, I'd like to give an extra special thank you to people who recommended it on their blogs. These "characters" mean a lot to me, and I hope I did them justice, and I appreciate each and every reader who took the time to read what I wrote.


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